RED Vs BLU
by Charlett
Summary: Various short stories starring various members of RED and BLU. Some can be funny, others are serious. Still others can scare you, but the one thing they all are is entertaining. Chapter 23 UP. Scout/? Centric: The Hobbit
1. Unexpected Offense

I'd like to thank those TF2 writers who make awesome stories instead of crappy ones. They inspired me to put my short stories up, even if they aren't the best. Thanks for inspiring me to keep going with this, you guys! (I bet they don't know who they are but I do and that's what counts?) So anyway, it's just a short story about Red Vs Blu. Usually in my various short stories I switch who's winning or losing, just so that people who have a certain viewpoint don't feel like I'm picking on their favorite group. Personally, I play both sides, and have fun with it.

BUT ANYWAY. Enough rambling. Please:

READ ON!

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RED's Heavy Weapons Guy grumbled loudly as he hefted his weapon up and trudged through the base. He heard that there was a… disturbance within the base, but he couldn't see any disturbances! Well, aside from the missing donuts, but that was at breakfast, nothing was disturbed now!

"Mmrrrrrmfff!" Heavy whirled around and spotted RED's resident Pyro. S/he was waving Heavy down and pointing off around a corner, "Mrrrmff!" Pyro shouted again before running off. Heavy grumbled loudly at being interrupted and lumbered after his teammate.

"What is it, Pyro? Speak to Heavy! Iz baby team hiding in base?" Heavy shouted after the sprinting Pyro. The man rounded a corner and was gone from sight, "Wait up! I want to kill things too…!"

The moment Heavy rounded the corner, however, he was met with a spray of bullets. BLU's own Engineer tapped his wrench on his shoulder and watched his turret do the work for him. Heavy roared in anger and prepared to take them both down, "You want to fire Little GIRLY Weapon at me? I will SLAUGHTER you ALL!"

And then Heavy gave a gasp. A butterfly knife had entered his back, and his blood flowed freely from the multiple wounds caused by both bullets and knives. He dropped to the floor with a thud that resulted in a tiny shockwave for Engineer. RED's Pyro stared at Engineer, and after a few seconds of standoff, Pyro removed his/her mask and revealed a regulation BLU Spy mask.

"You're the only one I know who kin wear two masks at once, Spy," Engineer said cockily as his turret went to sleep. Spy glared at his friend and flicked his spent cigarette at him. As he lit another one, Engineer turned to the darkened figure in the corner, "It's safe ta come out now."

"'Save to come out now' indeed…" a low growl came from the figure, "Zere has been some zought zat I cannot take care of myself, hmmm? Who vas vatching your back zat whole time, Dummkopf?" BLU's Medic muttered lightly. He fiddled with and snapped his rubber glove into place as he continued, "Vell, you're not hurt, I zink?"

"No, I…" Engineer was cut off as Medic walked by him nonchalantly and rummaged through Heavy's corpse. Spy and Engineer stared as Medic tisked angrily.

"Not even a beer to vash down ze taste of smoke," he grumbled, "Let's get zis over wit so vee can get out ov here, it zmells like zee fecez of a schweinhund in here."

"When does it not?" Engineer said jovially. He was met with sound glaring, and he coughed into his hand, "Sounds like a plan," he muttered, "But isn't that Pyro still hanging around here?"

"If we're going to get that intelligence, then we'll have to avoid him. Blasted man, 'Spy Check! Spy Check!' I'll spy check HIM…" Spy hissed to himself. Medic restrained his urge to smack his teammate into silence (indeed, when "Pyro" came up, it became one of the only times Spy spoke aloud, gloating aside, of course).

"Just get a move on, 'Zpy', and don't let oz down," Medic said quickly, "Uff, Herr 'Hard-Hat', Vere off."

"Right then," Engineer replied, petting his beloved turret and then abandoning it to trot off after the Medic. The two left Spy on his own, which suit the man quite fine. Spy pulled out his disguise kit, and soon he was dressed as the downed Heavy. Afterwards, he checked his invisibility cloak and then disappeared.

"Heheh…" the invisible Spy chuckled as he snuck off to watch his teammates' backs. Pyro or no, he had a job to finish, and this time, he had back up, "Spy Check, Spy Check. How are you going to stop this one now, eh…?"

It was a bad day to be in RED's shoes at that moment…

End

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Hope you guys enjoyed it. Some notes include Pyro, who is "Gender Ambiguous" in this and other stories I've concocted. To keep with the "omfg is Pyro male or female?" argument. Personally, I could care either way, but "it" makes it sound demeaning, so I use "s/he" or "his/her" or "him/her" or whatever. Usually I pronounce it "Shuhe", "hisher", and "himher", just for comedic effect. Or you could just download the story, erase all the pronouns you don't like, and read that way.

Also, I can speak a pretty good German accent, if I do say so myself (If I couldn't, my grandparents would haunt me from the grave), but transcribing it on paper/computer is a bitch and I suck. Hope Medic doesn't sound like crap here.

Also I don't care what anyone says; I'm totally hoping that Spy is Italian. ("Prego!") That'd be awesome as hell. However, I will keep his accent to a minimum so you can imagine what you want. If I ever make him using a different language, he'll probably end up using all three (French, Spanish, Italian) that he is heard using over the game.

And so there you have it. Nooooooootes! Please respond. I'd adore it if someone told me how much they liked or disliked it.


	2. Oxygen Deprivation

Thanks for those who looked over my stuff and were good enough to give me great feedback. I'll be sure to work on my characterizations of the people. Hopefully, this is good.

Also I'm treading into dangerous waters, but THAT'S WHAT MAKES IT FUN, right!?

It's called Parody and/or satire. Hope you guys like it.

READ ON!

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BLU's Engineer whistled happily as he walked around the base. He blinked, however, when he saw BLU's Scout turning… well… blue.

"What's up, Kid? Why're ya holdin' yer breath?" Engineer asked.

"Can't… breathe… the same… air… as you…" Scout replied, his face turning even bluer.

"What's this all about?"

"Don't you know…? If you… breathe the same… air as someone… else… you're… in love…"

Engineer stared. Scout turned bluer. Engineer scratched his helmet in confusion. Scout tried not to pass out.

"I don't get it. How come you're in love if you breathe the same air?"

Scout pointed downwards, and Engineer took a second to look at where he was pointing. Indeed, there Medic and Heavy were. They were breathing the same air, and indeed, they were staring passionately into each others' eyes. After all, they DID always hang out together, healing and tanking. So they were breathing each others' air…?

"But that don't mean a thing!" Engineer said, "They could just be…" Scout interrupted him by pointing down the way, in the shadows of the fort's sniper deck. There they were: Sniper and Spy. The two had always been at each others' throats from day one. Now they were at each others' necks. Because they were always around each other, sniping and spying, they breathed the same air and now they were in love?

"Geddit… now?" Scout asked.

Engineer lifted his goggles, and then let them fall back into place, "See ya 'round, Kid, and by 'round' I mean 'when I find a way to carry an oxygen tank wherever I go'."

Scout nodded, and Engineer jogged off. Then Scout could finally take a breath of air; he did so, and then proceeded to pass out.

Meanwhile, BLU's Soldier was walking along, passing by Engineer and his dispenser. Engineer was stuffing his face into the oxygen tank at the dispenser's side and inhaling the oxygen for all it was worth. Soldier scratched his helmet in bewilderment and walked so he passed by BLU's Demoman.

The two bumped shoulders, and ended up breathing the same air.

Soldier turned around and stared at Demoman, who turned to him. They shrugged and continued on their way.

But DAMN, that Demoman had a nice ass.

BLU's Pyro, who was breathing through his/her gas mask, stared at the two as they parted ways with tiny tinges of blush on their cheeks. Pyro went to the wall, etched another notch in it with his/her fire ax, and walked out to check for spies.

There were three notches on the wall…

END!?

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Hope you guys enjoyed it! Reviews make me happy!


	3. Heir Apparent

Happy (late) Halloween everyone! There's a story behind this, but I'm tired and working on my novel so I can't be bothered with it. For now, just enjoy:

READ ON!

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RED's Scout chuckled softly as he snuck into the enemy base. What a snap! There was hardly a sound, and he assumed no one even noticed that he had entered the compound.

He assumed wrong. Bullets whizzed past his face, and he scrambled to the side. He stared disbelievingly at the wall where his head once was; it was pumped full of so much lead, Scout couldn't help but gulp audibly.

Suddenly, something came out of the shadows behind Scout. The young man screamed as someone silently grappled him from behind. Scout thought quickly and jabbed his bat into the assailant's gut. The enemy barely flinched but recoiled just enough to let the skinny man squirm from the iron grip. Scout whipped his scattergun up and whirled around to face his enemy. He stopped dead in his tracks.

His attacker was unmistakably BLU's Engineer, but there was something inherently different about him. He was a ghastly pale color, and his right hand was missing. What made Scout's blood run cold, however, was the fact that his favorite wrench had been grafted onto the missing limb.

Scout gave a shout as Engineer dove forward wordlessly, swinging his hand-wrench at the intruder. The RED supporter got away in time, but he was close enough to notice why Engineer wasn't speaking at all.

His lips had been sewn shut with ghastly Xs that stretched across his lips. The blood that poured from the wounds was many days old and caked there; apparently the Engineer was too hopped up on whatever drugs he was on to care. Whoever did THAT to the enemy Engineer was definitely sick off his ass, and Scout made sure to voice his opinions on the matter:

"Oh my god oh my god oh my god…!" Scout shouted, backing away hastily. It was then that he heard something and turned to the side. With a yelp, he jumped away just as a round of bullets zoomed straight at him, and he pulled up his pistol and fired brazenly at his attacker. BLU's Sniper stared at him with nary a flinch as the bullets hit him. He as well looked deathly pale, and he held his sub-machine gun not at his hip, but in his chest. It was too dark to see clearly, but Scout assumed his kukri had met the same fate as Engineer's wrench; it had been grafted onto a missing limb of his own.

Scout had enough of this. He about faced and ran, barely dodging a coordinated attack from both Sniper and Engineer. RED thought he was home free, until something shot at him, barely grazing his arm. He whirled around and his eyes widened in fear.

BLU's Scout, looking no better than his counterparts, advanced upon him with pistol in hand. RED's Scout was quicker, however, and lifted his scattergun. BLU's Scout's brains exploded in purple.

RED's Scout stared as his impossibly vibrant counterpart bled PURPLE blood.

Scout tried not to dwell on it and instead whirled around to escape, but he found that it was impossible. BLU's incredibly white Heavy was blocking his path back to his base. How he wished he had brought backup! He gave a cry as Heavy charged him. Where the hell could he go? "Someone! Someone, HELP!"

BLU's Pyro was exiting the base as Scout rushed towards it in a desperate attempt to evade Heavy's swinging arms. S/he was the only one that didn't look any different (as of course Scout couldn't actually see any of his/her skin), but his/her movements were sluggish like the rest of the group. If Scout didn't know any better, he'd say they were... they were moving like zombies…

Scout yelped as Pyro swung his/her axe at Scout, who hopped on top of it and rocketed himself to the sniper deck. There, he tried to turn and leap back to base with the roof of the bridge to help him avoid whom he dubbed "Zombie-Heavy", but he was cut short by "Zombie-Sniper's" chest SMG, which fired tons of bullets upwards. He scrambled back to avoid getting struck from the front, and instead was struck from behind.

BLU's Soldier seemed to relish the resounding "CRACK" that resulted from the broad side of his shovel connecting with the young Scout's head. Scout flew nearly a foot before he landed, bounced, and landed again. His head swam as the white-faced Soldier advanced upon him, and the young man spat out a tooth. He tried to regain his bearings, and when he realized that his headset had been broken beyond repair, he knew that he was alone in the enemy base. He was royally screwed, but he wasn't going down without a fight.

"Zombie-Soldier" shambled forward to inspect Scout, but the young man was ready. He grasped the man's leg and lifted, causing his enemy to flip over and land on his back. Scout then struggled to stand without passing out. If he could just get out… he'd be able to tell the others what was going on here… He could…

Scout was interrupted from his thoughts as he saw BLU's Demoman (who looked the most ghoulish of all; having absolutely no pigment in his skin made him practically unrecognizable) launch a few pipe bombs at the boy. Scout gave a scream and leapt away, flying further from the resulting explosion. He lost his hat somewhere during the explosion, but he'd give up ANYTHING by now to get out of the hell hole with his life. He rolled along the floor a bit and used the momentum to rocket himself upright and rush for what he hoped to GOD would be an exit to this insane asylum. He barely got two feet before he was promptly clothes-lined by "Zombie-Heavy".

"NO!" Scout shouted as the inhumanly giant THING wrapped his meaty hand and lifted the young man up effortlessly, as if he were no more than a doll. Scout drew up his pistol and fired six rounds into the man's shoulder. He didn't even twitch, even as the wounds spewed the sickly, thick, purple goo. The young man dropped his weapon and prayed that his scatter gun would do the trick.

"Zombie-Heavy" didn't let him act out his plan. He swung Scout around until he slammed his captive into a wall. The scattergun sprung from the Reliable Excavator's hand and it clattered to the ground. He fought to breathe, but with his enemy's hand around his neck and his throat filling to the brim with his own blood, he came to realize he'd drown in his blood before he could escape from this hellish nightmare.

"Somebody…!" he managed to plead as he hacked up blood. He continued to cry out as if there was anyone in the base that could hear him or cared for his wellbeing, "Please…! Help me…!"

"Now now, don't be too rough on zee boy… hiz flesh iz much more delicate zan yours…" Scout wasn't sure whether to be glad to hear another voice or to be scared shitless that Heavy seemed to be LISTENING to it. Heavy released his tight grip on his captive's neck, but Scout continued to hover in the air; he was held tightly by the arm this time. Scout's head was swimming from loss of blood and pumping adrenaline, but he recognized that accent immediately.

It was that bastard, BLU's Medic. He was the only one who seemed alright. Scout should have known, "Wh… what!?" Scout shouted, hacking up his own blood such that his mouth resembled a red fountain, "What… what is this!?"

"I hope you like my… collection…" Medic said with a wide, psychotic, maniacal grin, "Zey are my pride und joy…"

"This… You did all of this!?" Scout shouted, his body screaming at him in pain for overusing something as simple as his vocal chords, "What… Wh… HOW!?"

"Just call me zee heir ov Dr. Schabbs," Medic replied, looking pleased with himself. Scout wasn't sure why Medic seemed so happy when he mentioned that name, especially when that was the answer to Scout's inane babble, but he didn't bother to dwell on it, as Medic was pulling out a rather large syringe filled with the most horrible looking gook that Scout could possibly imagine at the moment, "It took me zo long to find a moment to help zeir… transformation. Zey vere so buzy rushing about like fliez. I couldn't let zuch a… delightful troop get hurt until I could properly vork on zem, vouldn't you say…?"

"You are a sick sick SICK MAN," Scout shouted as Medic's hoard moved to surround their master (Scout hoped it would be to eat him, but no, apparently they wanted to protect him), "This is… what ARE these things?"

"Mutantz, my dear boy, zey're my mutant army. 'Uber' zere iz my pride und joy. Uber, zay 'ello' to zee guest," Scout winced when Heavy grunted; his lips may have been sewn shut but apparently his vocal chords still worked, "Vell? Vat do you zink?"

"I 'ZINK' that this is NEVER going to fly! What are you going to do with these guys, anyway?"

"Zis base iz mine, all ov it. And soon, everyzing else vill be mine as vell…" Medic chucked lightly, pushing his glasses tenderly up the bridge of his nose. He giggled, and then cackled aloud, "Vonce zese battles und bases are done for, I vill have more and more of my children! Not even our Fearless Leader can zit idly by! I vill crush HER under my heel as vell! All vill fall before Dr. Schabbs' medicine! NOZING vill stand in my way!" Scout stared in utter disgust and horror as Medic cackled madly to the sky. Scout's ears began to ring from his screeching. However, he also realized that this was his chance, if there was any chance to be taken. He pulled up his last weapon, his solid metal bat, and swung hard at his captor's head. There was a hideous CRACK that sounded like he may have snapped the… the "thing's"… neck.

Medic gave a shout when Uber roared in pain, screaming loud enough to rend his sewed lips asunder. Scout was amazed the creature was still able to move, but he didn't really care by this point. He was able to wriggle from the giant "mutant's" grasp, and he attempted to flee with Medic and his mutants on the young man's heels. Scout didn't even look back, but he heard Medic shout after him, "Stop heem! STOP ZAT BOY!"

Scout couldn't stop. He just had to get out of there. That's all he had to do. He could outrun them! He could get away! He just had to warn the other REDs about this crackpot's ideas and they could blow the place to smithereens!

And then Scout felt pain. Sniper's chest SMG struck him from behind, leaving him wounded in his shoulder, side, and calf. He practically dropped to the floor from the hamstringing, but he fought with himself to keep going. He was slowed considerably, but he wouldn't stop! He couldn't stop! He had to…!

Engineer's wrench then came down upon the back of the young man's head, effectively severing Scout's central nervous system, and the RED supporter crumpled to the ground. He couldn't move anymore; his body was filled with adrenaline that his damaged body couldn't use. He couldn't even twitch or convulse, thinking, wondering, hoping, SCREAMING words that he could not voice. Medic congratulated his pets as he approached the young man and knelt at his side.

_Someone… Someone… please… No…_ Scout wasn't afraid of dying. That just came with the territory. But the thought that perhaps this monster could use his body, his likeness, to fight and kill his friends and innocent people? He'd rather be dead, he'd rather be… _Someone… kill me now… please…_

"You know, you are a very naughty boy…" Medic admonished the young man who could not even register that he was being spoken to, "You killed one ov my pets… And although it vould be better to use a body fully capable of life… I'll zee vat I can do… avter all, you share a great many attributes zat he had…"

_Please… don't let him do this to me…_

"And vat iz it zey used to zay? 'An eye for an eye'?"

_I want to die…_

The needle was injected into his jugular vein; the pain didn't even register with the young man. All he could feel was his sanity slipping.

_Don't let this happen. My friends… my family…_

…_Mommy…_

…

End

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Hope you guys enjoyed it!


	4. How to Get Promoted

There isn't enough Announcerfic. She is amazing and can actually be molded to whatever the hell you want (instead of like other characters like Medic or any other person whose character is liberally BUTCHERED by the fandom on a daily basis [Uke Engie is not in Charlett's database. Does not compute]) and she'll still be awesome. So here's a story about rival Announcers.

I looked through the Designer notes and they mentioned the thought that at first they were going to have a "10th Class", someone who led the men into battle and ordered them around the place, telling them where to build or whatev. This story hints at the fact that maybe the Announcer would have been this scrapped "10th Class".

But either way, I hope you guys enjoy it. I had lots of fun with this. Expect more appearances of RED and BLU's "Fearless Leader" later on 'round the bend, alright?

And now:

READ ON!

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She didn't want to admit it, but she made a grave error. The foolish higher ups didn't give her enough money; she was stuck without enough money to higher a true team. The mercenaries had never met before and she was shoving them out into battle too quickly. There wasn't much she could do, but failure was not an option; she made the mistake of not trying harder to find fools who were more apt at teamwork.

She would normally have been whisked away to a safer location than this, but this was as far back as she could go and still be able to keep watch over her minions. She stared into the blue televisions and glared at them in disgust. "The bomb is nearing a checkpoint!" she growled in utter contempt over the microphone. She didn't notice it, but her tone sounded slightly fearful. Those she hired did not want to die, so they fell back instead of pushed forward. She ground her fingernails into the console and pressed her long fingernail onto the button.

"The enemy has been awarded additional time…!" Her voice came out as a hiss into the microphone that blared her voice through the battlefield. The BLUs couldn't get their reinforcements in if the REDs were pushing this hard! They were pushing that cart towards the base where SHE was stationed and if she didn't get her bastard men to cooperate she would be dead!

She would be dead.

She tried not to think of that as she watched with bated breath. Her men gained a brief moment of respite, but she could tell that it was not enough. There was a RED Engineer building up on the second floor of a storage room just across from the BLU base. His sentry tore apart a young BLU Scout as he attempted to get back into battle. So young to die, and if they didn't work harder, all of them would meet the same fate…

She checked the clock as it ticked down painfully slow. She pressed her fingernail into the button, "Five minutes left in the mission," she announced, "I repeat, five minutes left in the mission…!" Five minutes, but the REDs had gone so far, the only way to win would be if the BLUs could push the bomb back. She didn't know, she wondered if it was possible…

She looked down at her hand in detached surprise as she lifted her finger from the button; her hand was trembling lightly. It was only obvious; she had never been so close to death before. She didn't know what to do; she could only sit in her chair and watch as the bomb inched closer and closer to the base.

A fleeting thought. She could run! If she ran now, she might be able to get away before the blast came…! But then what? She would get caught by the ruthless REDs, and the filthy barbarians would either kill her… or worse…

No, she would rather die than be captured. She didn't trust her team, but she had faith that after she died, the stupid sons of bitches would meet the same fate.

It didn't keep her from being scared, despite her resolute decision. "The bomb is nearing the final checkpoint!" She hadn't meant for her voice to sound so frightened, but it still rose to a fevered pitch of horror. This was it; she was going to die. She wondered for a moment if anyone would miss her. She preferred to keep an air of mystery about her; none of those she hired even knew what she looked like. She was going to die alone like a dog, and no one would even know what she looked like…

She chuckled lightly at the tiny moment of relief that her dimwitted buffoons gave her before their death, and she wondered why it was now that she regretted everything that went wrong with her life. Until then, she moved and worked with reckless abandon, and cared not for anyone or anything. Now she wished for only a moment that someone actually knew her name. "I… I am… My name is…"

Her eyes flitted up to the screen, and saw that it was too late. She was dead. She steeled herself for the last thing she would ever say and placed her fingernail on the button one last time, "You failed…!" she roared into the microphone in anger and disdain.

She then released the button and she trembled all over. All she could do was watch as the RED Heavy shoved the bomb in the final terminus. She closed her eyes and folded her hands on the console; she heard an explosion…

There was a flash, and nothing.

---

Somewhere across the battlefield, a woman in red removed the cigarette holder from her mouth and blew a plume of smoke into the air. She pressed a long fingernail on a button and spoke clearly through the microphone: "Viiictoryyyy."

She then placed the holder back in her mouth and leaned back in her chair with a smirk of utter satisfaction. "And that," she said to no one in particular, "is how you get promoted."

End.

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Hope you guys enjoyed it! Send me a review please? I'll love you forever I dunno maybe?


	5. When Thanks Are In Order

Kinda late but not really. I hardly upload anything here anyway.

omfgwtfbbq I have no idea what to say here aside from the fact that I've got a ton of other stuff I'm working on. Not only am I working on an ORIGINAL FICTION WTF OMFG, but I'm entering a contest for the EB fandom at starmen dot net. I may actually not update after a while because I'll be lacking stuff to upload. Oh god I can't have that!

Anyway I'm rambling, I'm sorry. Please:

READ ON!

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RED's Medic yawned as he healed yet another of his teammates. RED's Demoman didn't even give him a thankful wave as he rushed back out. RED's Engineer had holed himself up in the basement to protect their intelligence, and the other REDs decided that they needed a dispenser, so instead of yelling at their Engineer, they yelled at Medic.

"Stay here and heal anyone who comes in!" RED's Soldier said, "We need some backup until we can get BLU's Sniper out of his nest. Need to keep you safe and all."

"I don't need to be kept 'save'," Medic hissed, "Just keep zee spiez out, Pyro."

RED's Pyro saluted Medic and Medic was left to care for anyone who came through the front door. The only problem was that they never thought to watch the sewers. Medic's eyes widened as he saw BLU's Pyro creep up the stairs, cackling from behind his mask.

"Everyone! Everyone, from zee…!" Medic drew up his syringe gun and hoped to get a few hits in before he was roasted alive. BLU's Pyro lit up and began to charge the German…

Until something appeared from behind him. RED's Spy brought his knife down and Pyro dropped, a victim of yet another back stab. Medic blinked at the man, and Spy looked up at the doctor with a slight smirk. He then coughed up a ring of smoke and dropped to the floor. Medic rushed to help him up.

"Zat Pyro did a number on you," he muttered in understanding, "How did you escape?"

"'e torched me in the sewers, but he couldn't catch me… in the water," Spy muttered as Medic let him sit on a few boxes, "Merde, my suit is ruined…"

"You're lucky you're alive," Medic admonished him, "Zuits can be replaced much eazier zan you."

"Bah, you wouldn't understand, you don't get suits like this one anymore…"

"How do you feel?" Medic interrupted as he finished his first aid.

"Much better, Doctor, prego. …I mean, thanks. A lot." There was a slight, awkward silence after Spy's words, and eventually he felt brave enough to stand up and check the tattered, charred remains of his suit, "I must go get changed. I…" he blinked at the look on Medic's face, "Is something the matter, Doctor?"

"Hmmm, oh, it iz nozink," Medic replied, batting the question away, "I just… no one haz ever thanked me for my services."

Spy clucked his tongue lightly, "Uhm… Yes. Thank you again," he said lightly. The silence continued to permeate between them, and Spy eventually tapped his watch, thanked God that his invisibility cloak still worked, and slipped away to the locker room.

---

Hours later, Medic found that he was still doing his "dispenser" work and wondering just when someone deemed it necessary to go on the offensive. He was almost charged; perhaps it would be best to uber "Herr Heavy" and break through their offensive line. He suddenly heard footsteps behind him and whipped up his bonesaw. He whirled around and drove it downward; it was caught by an invisible hand, "Madre del Dio, Doctor," RED's Spy said as he flashed into vision, "You do not let anyone get the drop on you, hmm?"

"Zat is vat you get for zneaking up on me, dummkopf," Medic hissed. The two struggled for a moment and broke apart, "Vat do you vant? No vahn comez to me unless zey vant zomezink."

"I wasn't planning on asking anything. I just wanted to mention to you that I'm heading into their base from below; you might want to tell Soldier if he ever asks where I am." Medic watched as Spy adjusted his tie lightly, "I'd like to get it quickly. If we don't get that intelligence tonight, our Fearless Leader won't let us hear the end of it, Si?" Medic blinked as Spy thought to himself, "Although, whatever punishment she had for me, I'd be more than happy to obtain."

"Lustful zoughts about vahn's superior doez not become a man of science," Medic said bluntly, "Vill you be okay in zere on your own?"

"Our Scout's in the infirmary right now, and you've treated me enough that I don't really feel the burns I sustained beforehand (much…), so I'm sure I can do it on my own. I just cannot be sure that their defense won't focus on me…"

Medic stared at Spy. The two blinked at each other, and Medic's lips curled into a malicious smile usually reserved for when he was giving someone an "examination", "I zink… I zink I've got it…"

"Got what, Doctor?"

"You jast keep doink vat you vere doink. I vill take care ov your 'defense'…"

"Right then, be careful, Doctor."

"You az vell, Herr Spy."

The two nodded silently and went their separate ways.

---

"Medic, what the!?" RED's Soldier shouted loudly as he saw his "dispenser" trot out into the open and wave down RED's Heavy, "You MAGGOT, what are you doing?"

"Vat vee should have done from zee beginnink," Medic replied, "Heavy, I am charged."

"Good Doctor!" Heavy roared, sweeping the German up and depositing him safely behind the Russian, "Get behind me, Doctor, this will be a rather bumpy ride!"

"I vouldn't have it any ozer vay…" Medic muttered under his breath.

"Komrades!" Heavy shouted as Medic activated his Ubercharge, "To me!" And with that rallying cry, the REDs drove forward on a powerhouse offensive. Behind the frontal assault was a medic whose eyes flashed brightly from behind his glasses. He wore a smile that showed that this offense was more than met the eye…

---

RED's Spy snuck through the enemy compound. He waved at anyone that glanced his way, and it appeared he hadn't aroused any suspicion yet. He just needed to find out how to get past the BLU's overtly suspicious Engineer…

"Hey, YOU!" Spy stopped and turned very slowly. BLU's Soldier glared at him and loaded up his rocket launcher, "We need you at the front! The REDs are going ballistic! We need you out there!"

Spy coughed and opened his mouth, "Mm… mmmph! Mmph, Mmphmphph!"

"What's that!? Spy's in here somewhere? Good job, Pyro! Go show him who's boss, just like you did last time in those sewers!"

Spy glared at Soldier through his flimsy fake mask; how he wished he could stab the bastard and continue on his way, but he had a bigger job then just backstabs, and he couldn't risk getting caught now that they were so close to the front lines, where everyone seemed to be congregating. He simply grumbled under his breath and sulked off towards the basement.

"'ey, Pyro!" Spy turned to BLU's Engineer as Spy passed through the courtyard. Engineer whipped up his pistol, "I don't trust you. Let's see your axe. Where is it?"

Spy rolled his eyes and attempted to talk to Engineer, but the BLU supporter would have none of that. Spy jumped back a foot when Engineer let off an entire round into the ground at his feet, "Lemme see your other weapons or dance, pardner…" He growled dangerously.

Spy cocked his head, wondering how to get out of this. He then blinked at the Engineer's sentry, situated nicely behind the Engineer. Spy wondered if it would be this easy. Oh well, one only lives once… "Mmph… mmphphmmmph…" Spy said, removing his mask. Immediately the sentry sprang to life, and Engineer turned towards it with a cry.

Spy chuckled lightly as the Engineer exploded on his own ammunition, and the RED supporter immediately hunkered down out of the sentry's line of sight and hastily replaced his mask. Sometimes it WAS that easy.

"And now…" Spy thought to himself as he reapplied his disguise and moved to sap his enemy's "toys", "It's time to show that their push was not in vain…"

---

Medic hissed as he wrapped his arm up to staunch the bleeding that resulted from a lucky shot from BLU's Scout. Natascha was able to slow down the kid enough for the others to rend him limb from limb in retaliation, but now Medic was injured and he was not sure he could survive the rest of the push if he stayed with the group. He grunted when he heard someone from his team approach, "Medic, you okay?" the voice asked. He groaned as he yanked harshly on the bandage with his teeth and looked up at Heavy.

"Ja, I don't die zat eazily."

"The baby team pushing us back, Medic. The BABY team! We need to go back or we'll never see sandvich at end of day!"

"…" Medic grunted as he shoved himself from the wall and looked up at BLU's base. What to do? If they retreated now, Spy wouldn't have any assistance getting out. And yet, was the intelligence really as important as his life? "Can you… keep vatch for… a half a minute? Pleaze."

"Medic is acting strange…" Heavy said. However, the Russian trusted his friend's judgment and whirled around to protect Medic to the end. The German smiled lightly, happy that at least the one guy who lived was the one who hung on his every word, and so he waited…

Ten seconds passed. Medic watched BLU's Sniper's light search them out on the floor in front of them.

Twenty seconds. There were footsteps, from up above, and a scream of betrayal. RED's Spy burst from BLU's Sniper nest, gutting his favorite victim for good measure, and leapt from the base, landing just in front of the two who remained. On his back was the enemy intelligence.

"Not a bad plan, Doctor," he mused as Medic called for Heavy and the REDs retreated.

"Ven can my planz ever be called into question?" Medic replied haughtily, "Heavy, Come!"

"Got your back!" Heavy shouted as both Spy and Medic retreated for their own base. Medic nodded and followed directly after Spy. He wondered why he was standing so close to Spy. The intelligence wasn't important enough to put his life on the line...

...But perhaps his friend's life was enough to remind Medic to stay near Spy, and watch his back.

Spy wasn't able to look behind him, but he did hear BLU's Soldier emerge from his base, "MAGGOT! You won't get away!" Spy closed his eyes when he heard the rocket speed towards them.

He was able to hear Medic's cry before the rocket landed, "Herr Spy! Go!" The explosion splashed on the ground near Spy, and he felt his feet leave the floor as he sailed a few feet. Miraculously, he was able to keep his feet on the ground, and he rushed into the base, getting cover from RED's Soldier. He turned around and gasped out words:

"M…Medic… Medic, where is he?"

"You have more important things to worry about! Get down there NOW," Soldier barked dangerously. Spy ground his teeth and rushed down to meet with their leader and offer her everything she ever wanted.

---

"Congratulations…" RED's "Fearless Leader" and Announcer smiled as she held the enemy intelligence in her long, slender fingers. She pressed a switch, turned on the intercom, and spoke clearly into it, "We have secured the enemy intelligence. Fall back, everyone. We will grind the rest of the insects into the dust later."

She released her finger from the button and her lips curled into a devious smile that sent chills down Spy's spine, "Very good, my little Spy. I was afraid that without our Scout, we would be stuck defending…"

"Hahaha! Never thought you had it in you, Spy!" The European grunted as RED's Engineer slammed his palm onto the man's back, "Nice work! You showed them who's boss!"

"I… indeed…" Spy said as the rest of the REDs filed downward. Spy counted them off: Scout, Demoman, Heavy, Soldier, Sniper, along with both he and Engineer. The only one who seemed really worse for wear was RED's Scout, who had a cast on his right foot and walked with crutches, and Heavy, who's lips trembled as if he would cry.

"My team," their Fearless Leader grinned, "You did it, congratulations."

"Just wish our Pyro was here to see this," Soldier grumbled, "I wouldn't be alive if it weren't for him (her?). He (she?) deserves a posthumous promotion."

"I'm sure she'll (he'll?) get it," their Fearless Leader replied coldly, as if she had no real desire to give anyone anything posthumously, "Is this everyone?"

"Looks like it," Demoman said.

"Medic?" Spy blurted out. Everyone turned to him, "What about Medic?"

There was a pregnant silence for a few moments, and it was only broken by Heavy's wailing. Their Fearless Leader sighed as Soldier stepped forward, "Medic… Medic was hit by that rocket. We managed to save… most of his body, but…"

"He's… he's dead?" Spy asked. He didn't really want to say it as a question, but he really didn't want to believe it.

"Man, bummer, right?" Scout said, "Now who'll take care of this foot? It's driving me INSANE."

"Not much else to do but take care of the bodies, right?" Demoman asked as Heavy continued to sob and Scout scraped the inside of his ear to stop the ringing.

"That sounds fine," their Fearless Leader said, "Now get out of my sight, all of you." Her voice left no room for talking back, so they saluted her and left as she sat back down behind her desk and ran her fingers over the BLU attaché case, a smile appearing on her face.

---

Spy stared at the various body parts of those who died that day were collected. He frowned when Medic's torso (they weren't able to find his legs; most likely they had become a fine red mist beforehand) was brought forward, and he flinched when the corpse, glasses, coat and all were dumped on top of BLU's Pyro's corpse. He set his jaw and strode forward as Demoman prepared his lighter. The Scotsman blinked when Spy grasped the man's arm and glared fervently into his eye, "No," Spy flatly said.

"No, what?" Soldier replied.

"We're not burning what's left of Medic's body on a pyre for the bodies of our dead enemies!" Spy retorted.

"Why not?" Demoman asked, yanking his arm back , "We're doing it with Pyro."

"It's the principle of the thing!" Scout shouted.

"Da!" Heavy sobbed, "Doktor was GOOD MAN."

"Not ta mention Pyro always put a smile on our faces with his (her?) jokes," Sniper pointed out, "We really should give 'em somethin' that says we care."

"Look, I'm not going to give Medic any special treatment than any of the other guys before us!" Soldier growled, "All the maggot did was complain about how no one appreciated him."

"No one DID appreciate him!" Spy shouted, "You know what? FINE." Soldier didn't even flinch as the European grasped his shovel and moved to sift through the dead bodies of the day. He frowned at the smell, but was able to pull out the charred half of a corpse of Medic. He tossed the German's torso over his body and dragged Soldier's shovel off to give the one man who cared for him a proper burial. Heavy rushed after Spy, proclaiming that he would help with the burying of his special friend.

"Yo, Sniper, give me a hand here!" Scout shouted. Sniper obliged the young man, and the handicapped kid and the Australian followed after Spy with Pyro's various (located) parts in tow.

Soldier grumbled loudly, but he heard Demoman chuckling, "And just what is so funny, soldier?" Soldier demanded of the Scotsman.

"Ahhh, nothin'," Demoman said with a smile, "It jast reminds me of how Medic was wit' our first Spy, you rememba'? When he was torched by that BLU Pyro a ha'f a year back?"

Soldier stared off after the four who went to bury their dead, and he sighed as Demoman moved to burn the BLU corpses, "Yeah, I remember."

It seemed that despite everything the REDs went through that night, with teammates like the ones Soldier was watching out for, they would find a way through whatever pain they would encounter.

End

---

Based on a partially true story, of the time I met a friend of mine on TF2. He saved me from a particularly nasty Pyro death and when he left to collect the enemy intelligence, we fought forward to give him a distraction. When he rushed back to our base, I was able to give him enough health to live through a rocket that gibbed me, but he was able to get away to safety.

Perhaps that's what teamwork is really about; working together for a common goal, fighting in such a way that you would do anything, anything for your friends.

Or perhaps I'm just sentimental, your pick.

Anyway! Hope you guys enjoyed it! Tell me what you liked and disliked about it, please.


	6. TF2 and Fairy Tales Do Not Equal Funny

Sorry guys, it was my friend's birthday last Saturday and I HAD to write something for her because she luffs Medikku-chan hr fvrite Disney Princess. Be forewarned that I DON'T usually write like this, it was just a joke not only for her, but for everyone who seems to think the evil as hell monster Medic is mysteriously pretty princess dress me up girly girl.

So anyway:

READ ON!

---

RED's Scout could tell it was going to be a bad day. Why? He was being visited by a fairy. Seeing as how fairies didn't exist, that was proof enough that no good was going to come from its visit. Scout was running through the base and shouting in horror, and when he finally found someone else, RED's Demoman, in this case, he flailed in horror, "Hey man! Hey hey hey!" The Scotsman glared at Scout for interrupting his drinking, and Scout pointed repeatedly at the thing following him. "Get this thing away from me! It won't stop following me!"

Demoman stared at the tiny woman who was dressed in a bright pink dress and had wings that fluttered and sent sparkling dust about with every flap. Demoman squinted at the woman, peered into his whiskey, laughed aloud, and passed out on the table. Scout sighed lightly and turned to the woman, "Look, stop following me, okay? This is creeping me out!"

"But I can't!" the mysteriously adorable fairy replied, "I must find the person I'm looking for!"

Scout glared at his readers, as if it was THEIR fault the fairy was following him around. Probably was, too; Scout didn't doubt that his readers had been begging the authoress to write about fairies in the RED compound because that was WACKY, and wacky things were FUNNY, right? "No, no they aren't!" Scout shouted at the readers, shaking his fist at them, "It makes stupid stuff like this happen, you see? Not. Funny."

Scout continued to glare at the readers just as all of the other REDs conveniently filed into the room where he was. They all stared at the fairy, and Scout attempted to hide behind them to avoid the little creature.

The fairy seemed content with ignoring Scout for the rest of the story, as she soon found who she was looking for, "It's you! I've finally found you!" she cried, flying towards the person.

"But of course, the narrator said that just a sentence before you did," RED's Spy said nonchalantly, staring at both RED's Medic and the fairy, "But what connection do you have with the doctor, anyway?"

"Don't you see?" the fairy asked.

Medic adjusted his glasses, "Nein, vee do not 'zee'."

"But I've been searching for you for so long, Princess Medic!"

There was silence. RED'S Soldier wondered what the hell was going on. "What the hell is going on?"

"A princess?" RED's Sniper asked.

"Aren't princesses usually lil' women?" RED's Engineer said, perplexed.

"Who are you princess of, Medic?" RED's Heavy asked, poking the German.

"Ach!" Medic shouted, twisting his arm so he could avoid the pokes, "Schweinhund, I am no princess. Zee fairy iz a dummkopf."

"But you must remember your destiny, Princess Medic!" the fairy proclaimed, "you are Princess Medic of the magical forests of Mokoja! Don't you remember when…"

Seven hours of boring exposition that could probably fill a five hundred page novel (or perhaps 10 seasons of anime cartoons) then proceeded. "…And so to hide your identity from the evil Gorgon Hatressia, you used your magic to assume the form of a male so you could hide in another world and await the moment when I could return you to your original form and we could defend the Womplepuffs again."

The fairy then realized that everyone had fallen asleep by this point, and had to set about the arduous task of waking them all back up.

"So why is she looking like a guy?"

"Why is she hiding on a completely different planet?"

"Why did you change her back to a female without the narrator telling us that you did?"

"Why is her name 'Medic'? I mean, Princess Opal I can get maybe, but Medic?"

"Why doesn't she always look this hot?"

"I am not a princess! Vhy doez no vahn ztop zis inzanity!?"

"No more questions!" the fairy shouted, grabbing Princess Medic's arms and dragging the protesting (female) German from the room, "I need to bring Princess Medic back home to Mokoja!"

Just then the ceiling collapsed and rocks fell on them. Everyone died.

Later, when questioned, the authoress explained that that's the way the readers would have wanted it to end.

OR WOULD THEY?

The End!

---

ALTERNATE ENDING LOLZ!?

"But you must remember your destiny, Princess Medic!" the fairy proclaimed, "you are Princess Medic of the magical forests of Mokoja! Don't you remember when…"

Seven hours of boring exposition that could probably fill a five hundred page novel (or perhaps 10 seasons of anime cartoons) then proceeded. Everyone fell asleep.

The next morning, everyone awoke and wandered the base, which was strangely quiet. Also, Medic was missing. They searched through the base (sans one Demoman, who was sleeping in because he was sleeping off his hangover), and soon found Medic in his ward, where he was mixing medicines.

"Yo, Medic!" Scout said.

"…P…Princess Medic?" Heavy asked, poking his head into the room.

Medic glared at them and returned to his medicines, "Ov course not, I am no princess. Zee fairy vas a dummkopf. Should I zay it again?"

"Wait…" Sniper said, increasingly suspicious of Medic's choice of words, "The fairy _was_…?"

Medic smiled in the Australian's direction, and pointed to a small jar on the counter. Heavy cried out in horror at the tiny fairy, preserved perfectly in a jar of formaldehyde, "Doktor, you killed it!"

"Ov course I killed it. It vas annoyink me. But you zee, I kept it nice and save in itz little jar," Medic said, a sadistic smile on his face, "I vonder how itz little organz can zuztain zuch a creature. It vould be a perfekt chance to dizzekt it."

"Medic, you are a truly evil monster…" Engineer muttered.

"Vhy zank you, Herr Hard Hat." And with that, the "good" doctor went straight back to his medicines as the rest of the group left him to his own devices.

THE END! …OF ALTERNATE ENDING!

---

Hope you guys enjoyed a bit of parody. I'm sorry if you guys are only reading this because I actually TRY on it, but yeah, maybe next week. Hohoho!


	7. With a Friend

I'm too tired to say anything. So instead I'll say:

READ ON!

---

"WAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" Bullets flew everywhere and RED's Heavy roared his approval, "CRY SOME MORE!!!"

BLU's Scout cried out and dove for cover. Unfortunately, that cover was, in actuality, their cart that was heavy laden with BOMBS. He prayed silently that the bullets Heavy was spewing wouldn't set one of (and then the rest of) the bombs off prematurely…

He hopped up and shot a round at the enemy with his pistol. Nothing. RED's Medic was probably hiding behind him like a chicken shit pussy, healing whatever was dealt to his meat shield. He could only hope that things would get better. Maybe BLU's Spy would take them down for him? Maybe BLU's Sniper would end up capping one of them in the head?

No such luck. In fact, BLU's Pyro soon joined Scout behind the bomb cart, "Hey!" Scout shouted, "This is MY hideout! Go find your own!"

"Mmph!" Pyro retorted. Scout shoved on Pyro who shoved back. The two came dangerously close to pushing each other out in firing sight, and soon they opted to hug each other in fear and wait for rescue.

It took the two a few moments to realize that hugging each other wasn't the best choice of action, (as it seemed the readers were too busy breathing heavily to continue reading), so Scout took it upon himself to think up the next plan, "Look, we don't have much time," the young man said. Pyro nodded, "in five minutes, I'm sure RED'll get their reinforcements over here, and we'll be screwed in more ways than one." Pyro stopped nodding and simply stared in what Scout assumed was fear, "So we'll just have to work together and push this thing while Heavy fires aimlessly, and be glad he's not smart enough for anything else."

"Mmph!" Pyro replied, nodding again. And so, the two got into a crouching position and the cart squeaked along the tracks.

---

As the cart moved, however, RED's Medic blinked at the tiny cart that moved along, "Heavy! Heavy, you dummkopf! Zee kart iz getting avay!"

"Don't be silly, Medic!" Heavy shouted over Sasha's roaring bullets, "No one is there to push Baby Team's cart!" Medic stared as the cart moved along with both Scout and Pyro hiding behind it, and he sighed at his addle headed entourage.

"I haff no time for zis," he hissed, abandoning his medigun and loading up his syringes. Heavy hardly noticed that he wasn't getting extra special treatment (indeed, like most of the time, he didn't seem to notice that Medic was keeping him alive about 75 percent of the time), so Medic took this time to point his gun upward. He calculated the arc trajectory, and fired.

---

Scout was thinking himself pretty slick by this point. He had outsmarted the dumb Heavy Weapons Guy, and both he and Pyro were able to inch the bomb closer to the checkpoint. Score one for the BLUs!

And then the sky turned terrifyingly dark. Scout blinked and looked up, and his eyes widened, "Pyro! Get down!" Both he and Pyro held the cart in place and dove to the ground, covering their heads and bracing for the impact.

Fourty large syringes dropped downwards onto them, piercing their skin and embedding themselves in the two's flesh. The pain was horrendous, and Scout groaned when it was all over. He stared at Pyro, who was gasping for air through his/her gas mask, and they surveyed the damage on each other. The two of them were hurt, but at least they were okay…

Pyro then looked up and s/he shook his/her head. Another wave was raining down. They shut their eyes and crouched back down, holding onto each other for reinforcement. The pain was excruciating, and they knew they wouldn't be able to survive another assault.

"Heh…" Scout muttered, pulling syringes from his hands with pained winces, "Guess we're going down together, eh?" Pyro stared at the young man, "But you know? I'm glad to lose my life for the cause, but I'm happier that I'm with a friend…"

The two stared at each other, and Scout nodded, "Let's push this cart as far as it'll go… for the others."

"Mmph," Pyro muttered in agreement. Scout couldn't quite understand him/her, but he was sure that s/he agreed, _"For the others…"_

---

Medic took a moment to turn back to his friend. Heavy seemed worse for wear, but it would be simple to heal him up. The two behind that cart would come later; the last thing he wanted was RED's Soldier berating him for losing ANOTHER Heavy.

Not that they weren't expendable, and dumb, and everything else that infuriated Medic. And yet, the German decided against his better judgment to take a moment of respite to heal his Heavy and return to "Zee Bloodbazz", but he saw something fly into the sky. He looked upwards, but he was blinded by the sun and had to cover his eyes with his hand.

It was then that three tiny blue pipebombs landed next to RED's Heavy and Medic. Medic's eyes widened and he looked up "Heavy! Nein! Fall back!"

There was an explosion, and BLU's Demoman rubbed his nose in delight, "Awww, Ye little dandies, prancin' aboot wit yer head full o' eyeballs! They're gunna hafta glue you back together! IN HELL!"

"Enough of zee Schadenfreude," BLU's Medic said from down below Demoman's perch on the rocky outcrops, "You zay zat every time you blow some schweinhund to smizzareenz."

"And what ah ye gunna do aboot it, MEDIC?" Demoman hissed, "Now git out der and do yer job fer once!"

"For ONCE," Medic retorted, too appalled to give a better one, "I'll give you 'for once'! Next time, you von't GET any healink, vat do you zink of ZAT, hmmm!?"

The two bickered for a bit until Demoman laid a ring of sticky bombs around Medic, who hopped out of the ring and rushed off to find the cart and the victims of his rival.

---

"I don't know… how much more I can take of this…" Scout began to murmur. He hacked and then slipped on his own blood, and Pyro grunted as s/he tried to keep the cart going uphill when Scout lost his footing, "I… it hurts…"

Pyro stared at the back of Scout's head, and s/he reached out, plucking a syringe from the young man's back, "What the!? Holy crap! Asshole, WARN me next time!"

"Mmph," Pyro warned indifferently, plucking another one.

"Ouch, that HURTS! What if I did that to YOU, huh? Huh!?"

"Too late, I already did zat for him," Medic's voice came from behind them. Scout blinked as he turned around and stared incredulously at his "friend", "In fact, I already healed her wounds. He iz fit az a fiddle." Scout stared at Medic and cursed as Pyro pulled out another syringe, "'Fit az a fiddle' means…"

"I KNOW what it means, where the HELL did you come from, anyway?" he gave a screech when Pyro pulled yet another syringe out of his flesh, "OWW What the HELL!?"

"You'll shut your mouth if you want to LIVE, MAGGOT. All your shouting could attract the enemies' attention!" BLU's Soldier shouted louder than Scout did before. Everyone rolled their eyes. "If you can't handle a little pain, you prissy little girl, then you sit the hell out with Mother Goose here."

"Zomeday I vill feast on your entrailz, Soldier," Medic said dangerously. Soldier ignored him.

"Right then, Pyro, PUSH!" Pyro stopped annoying Scout and both s/he and Soldier grasped the cart and shoved hard. The two moved along, and Scout frowned as Medic went through the tedious task of pulling the syringes from the young man's back (and made sure that Scout wasn't watching as he licked the blood off the needles).

After one such removal of the horrendous things, Scout suddenly looked up, "Yo, Pyro!" The BLU member turned when s/he heard his/her "name" called, and Scout smiled, "Take care, you hear? We may be living a while longer, but if I die, it'll be at your side!"

Pyro stared without a reply. Then, s/he lifted his/her hand and gave his/her friend a "Thumbs up". S/he and Soldier then continued their trek, leaving Scout to smile, relax, and be glad he had such great friends.

"OWWW! GOD, can you do it any MORE painfully?"

"Yes, vant to see?"

End

---

Hope you enjoyed it!


	8. Medicinal Assault

I write Medic too much. I'm sorry everyone, I'll give you other characters sometime, I promise!

But for now:

READ ON!

---

There was much merriment and death as two opposing forces endlessly assaulted one another, never to stop. RED's Medic looked worse for wear; his clothing was a mess, his glasses were missing a lens, his hair was mussed, and he was spewing blood everywhere. Of COURSE there wasn't anyone around to help treat him, of course not. And so, he tried to look inconspicuous as he dragged both he and his medigun into a darkened corner and tried to remember just how he had gotten into this mess.

Ah yes…

---

"MEDIC!!" Medic was set on high alert, not for fear of a possible attack, but from anger that someone had the GALL to call for him when he was reloading his syringe gun. Nevertheless, he wandered through the base and was soon swept up by RED's Heavy Weapons Guy, "Follow me!" Heavy shouted as he rushed out to slaughter everyone. Medic twitched with anger, as he really didn't want to wander out into no man's land where he would be shot at first.

And then RED's Soldier shoved him out the door with Heavy, "Git out there and do yer ol' team proud!"

A syringe mysteriously embedded itself in the doorway, right next to Soldier's forehead; it twitched violently as it was held in place. Medic grumbled profanities in German as he rushed after Heavy.

The two arrived at the enemy base and Heavy rushed in, mowing down BLU's soldier and hidden Spy, and then going for their Engineer. Medic continued to watch their back, and looked at the wall behind them. His eyes widened at BLU's Demoman's sticky bombs, which were planted all over the front entryway. He whirled around and gave one warning for Heavy before diving from the base.

The bombs exploded, and there was pain.

---

Medic cursed as he leaned against the BLU base to catch his breath. Wherever Heavy was, living or dead, he didn't care. He watched as he saw BLU's Scout fly through the air, intent on scurrying into RED's base. A few seconds passed, RED's Sniper gave the kid a headshot, and Medic shrugged lightly. When the adrenaline stopped punching through him and he remembered that he was in terrible pain, he glared at his medigun, wishing desperately that he could use it on himself. In fact, it just seemed so heavy all of a sudden, ever since the explosion. It was probably because he couldn't feel his right arm.

He looked down and groaned; he couldn't feel his right arm because it wasn't THERE anymore. He cursed again and prepared a tourniquet. It took a while, but he finally was able to cut off most of the bleeding out of his stub, and when he finished his "first aid", he proceeded to work with one of his syringes. He smiled at the fantastically long needle it possessed, and inspected the liquid within. It was all well and good, as someone seemed to have heard his pained grunts.

BLU's Pyro turned the corner and Medic stared at his/her mask. Pyro seemed to take some sort of glee in seeing his/her enemy's medic, bloody, armless and weaponless aside from a medical syringe. Medic couldn't even hold his bonesaw properly. It looked like an easy kill for Pyro until Medic smiled sadistically and stabbed the syringe into the enemy's arm. Pyro recoiled in surprise as the liquid was pushed forcefully into his/her veins.

The one-armed Medic waited patiently as Pyro attempted to light his/her flamethrower, but to no avail. His/her arm had fallen asleep. Medic's smile widened as Pyro worked to wake it back up, "Voopzie, Zat vazen't medicine…" he said softly, "Or… perhapz it vaz…"

And then Pyro looked up at his/her enemy, realization dawning. Medic had just pumped him/her full of anesthetic. Pyro dropped to the floor with a thud, and Medic tapped his left cheek with a quaint chuckle. Now, what to do with his new toy…?

And then he snapped his fingers. Of course! It was so simple. He was running out of good brains to dissect, anyway. Well, he couldn't exactly carry the whole body over to his base, so he pulled up his bonesaw with a grin usually reserved for spawns of Satan.

…Although, no one around the compound knew anything about his parentage, and it wasn't TOO farfetched…

Pyro was down and out as Medic knelt down next to his victim, "Don't vorray… Zis von't hurt a bit…" he spoke softly as he went to work. How benevolent he was. After all, he would let Pyro keep the rest of his body; Medic was only borrowing parts he desperately needed anyway!

RED's Soldier prepared to rocket launch into BLU's base, until he saw his medic, Heavy-less and one armed. Medic was dragging the bust of BLU's Pyro along the floor by the arm. Pyro had been cut from the left side of the collarbone to under the right underarm. Medic noticed that Soldier was staring, so he gave his teammate a wild eyed grin, his bonesaw held mysteriously between his teeth like a crazed, psychotic bastard.

Soldier scratched his helmet as Medic dragged himself (and his prey) back to base. There were experiments that needed to be done…

End

---

Hope you enjoyed it! Send a review my way please!

Also I apologize if this sucks. I wrote it a long time ago; I gave it a once over but I'm always missing stuff that I have trouble on. So sorry in advance!


	9. Time for Reformation

OH GOD RELIGION? In a FICTION?

BURRRRRRN IIIIIIIIIIIT.

Truu Stori; Martin Luther, German monk who pretty much started the religious reformation of the Christian doctrine back in the olden days put up a bunch of theses on the church doors the day before All-Saints Day (AKA Halloween) to tell people to avoid buying indulgences on that day. Everyone went all up in arms, he was excommunicated, Lutheranism was born, and then the peasants revolted.

OH U WACKY PEASANTS.

Fast Forward many years; there are plenty of German Lutherans nowadays and it makes me wonder. Everyone talks about Nazi Medic but wouldn't it be terribly ironic to have Lutheran Medic who talks about God's love and then stabs you in the face with syringes?

So I dunno. I remembered that us Lutherans wear red on the Sunday before Halloween (We call it "Reformation Sunday"), and I thought "Hohoho what if BLU Medic had to wear red for Reformation Sunday?"

The answer? LULZ FOR ALL.

I dunno, it's not funny, I guess. Maybe. You decide.

READ ON!

---

There was an alert that sprang up through the BLU compound. BLU's Scout ran through the base, shouting out loud, "Guys! Guys! We're invaded! They're here!"

"Where!?" BLU's Soldier roared, "I'll tear those filthy REDs to pieces!"

"He's at the locker room!"

"They got to the locker room!?" BLU's Engineer cried incredulously, rushing after Scout as the kid ran to the locker room, flailing frantically. Scout whirled the corner, rushed into the room, and tackled the RED supporter to the ground, ready to beat the offender to death with his bat.

"Mein Gott! Gerrof me, you dummkopf!" RED's Medic shouted, struggling with the younger man, "Just VAT are you doink!?"

"Guys, guys! I caught him! Say your prayers, Asshole!" Scout struggled with the enemy Medic, who was trying to hold back the arms that held the deadly weapon, "You're going down so hard…!"

"Mmph!" BLU's Pyro (who had been in the locker room when Scout's assaultings occurred) mmphed, trying to wave Scout away, "Mmphphpmmrph!"

"What's that, Pyro?" Soldier asked when the others finally arrived on the scene, "That's not RED's Medic?"

Engineer grasped Scout's arm so they could get a better look at the prone form of the Medic. Indeed, he was wearing the same regulatory apparel of a Medic that belonged to the Builder's League, but something was increasingly suspicious about him.

Scout found out immediately, and reached down to grab at Medic's neck, "Then how do you explain the red kerchief around your neck? Huh? HUH? I knew it! You've been hanging with the REDs all along, HAVEN'T YOU?"

"It iz not az you zink!" Medic tried to explain, "I muzt vear it! It iz a memento from…"

"From your TRYSTS with the REDs, HUH?" Engineer sighed as Scout fumed some more; he really shouldn't have taught the kid words he wasn't going to use correctly, "I'm sure they're your BEST FRIENDS."

"You underztand nozink, schweinhund! Release me!"

"Come on, Scout," Soldier said as both he and Engineer lifted the Bostonian off of Medic, "Let's listen to this guy for a few moments to explain himself before we ram a rocket up his ass."

Finally, with Scout suspended in the air, Pyro could help Medic up and let him explain, "It iz a memento of my family. I vear it every Zunday before Halloveen for religious purposes."

Soldier and Engineer stared at each other as he began to explain the religious reasons, but they ignored him and huddled quickly, "So, you think we can shove a rocket up his ass for wearing stuff even if it's for religious purposes?" Soldier asked.

"Come on, man!" Scout tried to whisper but ended up failing. He turned around and gagged when he saw Medic straightening the blasted kerchief, "I just want to beat his face in for that. Who wears handkerchiefs around their necks anyway?"

"Well, I think our Fearless Leader said we aren't allowed to attack people for their religious beliefs, but she never really knew that one of them included wearing red…" Engineer muttered.

The three turned ever so slightly to Medic, who stared at them with his usual look of disinterest. It put them on edge; how could he look so damn calm when they were trying to find ways to blow him to smithereens? "Just what religion requires you to wear red anyway?"

"Zee traditional garb of zee Lutherans on Reformation Zunday is red," Medic said halfheartedly, "I forget zee detailz but apparently vee are remembering zee martyrs during zis day or zomezink."

"If you don't know what it's about, why do you even do it?" Engineer asked.

"It iz zee principle of zee thing!" Medic fumed, still trying to adjust his kerchief just right (and making Scout glare at him even darker than before), "My parentz did it and zo I do it too. Besidez, zis vas a gift from zem, vhy should I not be allowed to vear it to remember zem by?"

"Well, we can't exactly tell him he CAN'T do it," Engineer muttered. However, to keep the peace, he spoke up again, "but don't you think you could be a little more discreet about it?"

"Diskreet, ov couuurse…" Medic drawled, "Zquashink zee religiouz fervor of vhan's teammatez iz zee best vay to vin zee war." The other BLUs shrugged as he removed his kerchief and tucked it in his sleeve so the red wasn't seen, "Zere, iz zat better?"

"Works for me," Soldier said, "Come on, let's kick some RED butt."

"Right behind you," Engineer replied, striding after Soldier.

Scout continued to glare at Medic as he checked his medigun to see if it was in good condition for the day, "You and your REFORMATION. I'll reform YOU someday, just you wait!"

"You do zat," Medic replied nonchalantly.

Scout pointed an accusing finger at Medic, opened his mouth, closed it, opened it again, then closed it and stormed from the room.

Medic opted to follow Pyro out instead of walking out without a partner, so Pyro took the lead, "Mmph," S/he said simply as they left together.

"Mmm? Oh, yez, it iz a ztunning red. Almost az bright az your fire…" Medic said, a smile on his face, "Now, let'z turn zoze REDs zeir favorite color, ja?"

Pyro cackled from beneath his/her mask.

End!

---

So yes, I dunno, hope you learned something today. Review please! Also I promise I don't do this too much. I just kinda wanted to make sure you guys knew why BLU Medic is a little less insane than RED in any future short stories.


	10. Underwear Officer

Last Thanksgiving, I found out my brother mained Scout when he played TF2. I shouldn't have been surprised, they're like exactly the same. Anyway my brother's internet name tends to be Underwear Officer...

and things snowballed from there.

If he finds out I wrote this I'm dead. Hahahaha.

And so:

READ ON!

---

"Vat did I tell you, Scout?" BLU's Medic chastised BLU's Scout, who glared at the German in defiance. Medic wagged a finger at Scout as he continued on to explain what he already told Scout seven times before, "I asked you kindly to vash your clothes, and you haven't done a thing to them!"

"I'll get to it later! Quit buggin' me about it, man!" Scout retorted for the eighth time. Medic opened his mouth to continue his disciplining tone, but Scout grabbed his ears and sang with a horribly high falsetto (and rather tone deaf) voice, "I need a fix 'cause I'm goin' down…!!"

"You vould do vell to listen to me for vahnce, fraulein!" Medic warned. Scout paid him no heed and continued to sing off key until the German grabbed his own ears in frustration (and to stop the bleeding), and stormed from the kitchen, leaving Scout to his own musical devices. Medic refused to continue hounding the child. He decided to let Scout learn about his own mistakes and come whimpering back to the doctor, begging forgiveness and instructions on how to keep himself cleanly.

Well, the German could dream, couldn't he?

---

An entire week passed, and Scout dug through his clothes. One shirt was so crumpled and dirty the sand of the desert had melded with his sweat and created a strange muddy compound that dried up. The shirt had turned into a caked creature, unable to be worn by any humanoid. Scout tossed it over his shoulder and dug further, but every article he pulled out was worse than the last. He pulled out his last pair of pants and poked at the mold that was accumulating on it with a confused blink. He glanced at the bottom of his chest of clothes and realized THAT was where he left his milkshake that he and the group had treated themselves to three months back.

"Rrrrrg…!" Scout hissed in annoyance, standing up and surveying his room; the floor was covered in clothes that he was completely unable to wear. In fact, the only thing that seemed even slightly wearable was the underwear he had on at that very moment, "Now what am I gunna do!?"

"Keep the racket down, Boy!" BLU's Soldier growled, pounding on Scout's door, "Git out here now! Breakfast's already cold!'

"I'm comin', dammit!" Scout shouted in retort. He looked around at the clothes on the floor and brainstormed. Just what was he supposed to do now…?

And then, a light bulb appeared over his head, and he smiled widely. He knew exactly what to do!

---

BLU's Heavy was complaining about the remaining cold breakfast as BLU's Demoman washed the dishes and BLU's Sniper leaned against the counter and dried Demoman's work, "Can I not eat the rest of the food?"

"It iz Scout's," Medic said, slapping Heavy's hand to keep it away from the food, "Az much az I know you dezerve it more zan zat schweinhund, vee muzt let him at leazt eat."

It was at that moment BLU's Pyro came into the kitchen. His/her head was lowered and s/he was shaking it back and forth slowly. The group stared at him/her, but they really should have realized what was making Pyro so sickened at life:

Scout strode confidently into the room, wearing nothing but his hat, pack, and pair of underwear. "So where's breakfast?" he asked the group.

There was the sound of something shattering. Everyone was staring at Scout (minus Pyro, who was searching for some rat poisoning to consume), and a dish had slipped from Sniper's hands. The sound restarted time, and Demoman burst into laughter at the sight of Scout. He was soon doubling over the sink, guffawing.

Heavy seemed to think it was just as funny, and he was slamming his hands together in laughter. Medic stared in horror as Scout picked up his plate with a faint "Thanks", and he began to devour his bacon.

"V-v-v-v-v-VAAAAT are you DOINK!?" Medic screeched, catching the Bostonian's attention. Scout leaned against the table and stared at Medic as he ate his food, "Vere are zee rest ov your clothes!?"

"In my room," Scout replied nonchalantly with a shrug.

"Vhy are you not vearing zem!?"

"Because they're dirty enough that I can't wear 'em right now," he said through his eggs.

Medic was flailing by that time; all the while the others were holding back their laughter. "I zought I TOLD you to wash them!"

"Doktor, do I not have to wash my clothes now too?" Heavy asked, prodding the doctor questioningly. Medic slowly lowered his head to the table, and he wrapped his hands over his head, trying not to make the heaving of his sobs too apparent.

"I should 'ave known it was you who was causing this racket…" BLU's Spy said. Everyone stared at the corner he had appeared in, and he leaned against the wall as he spoke, "Pray tell, Scout, how long will that pair last before you run around stark naked?"

"Huh?" Scout looked down at the already browning underwear. He shrugged; apparently he hadn't gotten that far in his planning. "I dunno, if I turn it inside out, I've got at least another five days, ya think?"

The entire room burst into laughter, aside from Spy, who never laughed, Pyro, who was shuffling from the room with Demoman's extra whiskey in hand, and Medic, who was speaking silently to the table about how much he tried to avoid this course of events.

Scout ignored the laughter and dumped his plate on the top of the other dishes. He then placed his hands on his hips and shouted aloud, "Right then! Underwear Officer is clear for combat!" And with that, the Bostonian tore from the room, leaving the room deathly quiet if not for the dying laughter and sobs.

"Did heheheheheheeeee…" Heavy practically giggled, wiping a tear from his eye, "Did little boy call himself 'Underwear Officer'?"

"Aye, Lad, that 'e did…" Demoman replied, snorting with laughter.

Soldier, who was trying to calm his own laughter down, ended up inching towards Medic. The German had finally regained his cool composure, and he was readjusting his tie. Soldier smirked from under his helmet and leaned down to whisper in the "good" doctor's ear, "looks like you've got some laundry to do if you ever plan on returning this group to some semblance of sanity."

Medic buried his face in his hands and sighed exasperatedly.

At least Pyro wanted Scout to wear clothes as much as Medic did… He could ask the fire monster if s/he could help the doctor.

Well, the German could dream, couldn't he?

End!


	11. Bed Time Story

A friend of mine was going to bed, and he asked me for a bedtime story.

...

...Yeah...

If you check out Compos-Mentis dot Deviantart dot com, you can find a picture that she drew for this story. It is AMAZING so do so now, I command you.

I'm sorry this is so short, I may upload a real story at some point later in the week.

So anyway:

READ ON!

---

Once upon a time~~

There was a RED Scoot and a RED Spy, and they had to get some intelligence... but then the Big Bad BLU Heavy came around the corner, and he was angry because he was hungry and hadn't unlocked his Sandvich unlockable yet! So he growled at the two and said, "I'll eat you up, you Scoot and Spy!"

Scoot and Spy were VERY SCARED so they ran away, and they went to the RED Soldier to ask what to do to beat the Big Bad BLU Heavy and steal the intelligence! Soldier told them that the best way to beat the Big Bad BLU Heavy was to confuse him, so Scoot and Spy went back to confuse the Big Bad BLU Heavy.

The Big Bad BLU Heavy was angry that they came back, and decided to grind their bones to make his bread for sandviches, like in Jack in the Beanstalk. "Fee Fie Foe Fum!" the Big Bad BLU Heavy shouted, "I smell the blood of a European! And maybe a Bostonian too!" And he attacked the Scoot and Spy. But Scoot was very fast! He double jumped on the Big Bad BLU Heavy's head and beat him to death with a bat. There was a lot of blood.

And so Scoot and Spy were able to sneak into the base, sap all the buildings, bludgeon and stab all the enemies, and steal the intelligence. All the chicks throughout the land thought they were sexy and made out with them.

THE END!!!1eleven

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Please review you guys. I'm so happy I have one person doing so, but it's so empy around here...


	12. The Magical Quilt

When I read in the TF2 Blog that they were going to make Alpine levels, I was like "EEEE YAY" because I love mountains and the heat of the desert is fun to work with but the coldness of the mountains would be fun too.

AND SUDDENLY, THEY ALL GET CRUSHED BY GLACIERS.

Anyway, here's a little bit about coldness and crap. Christy has a mystical power to turn GAY ORGY SEX TIME into "Lol best buds just tryin' ta live". It's like a super power except instead of fangirls announcing my arrival as I wander down the way, they pay Sniper to head shot me.

HURRAY.

ANYWAY Hope you guys enjoy it even though it's not porn. God forbid there's anything in TF2verse that's NOT porn.

READ ON!

---

Southern Germans don't mind the coldness of the Alpines. A lot of them lived there, after all. When BLU's Medic heard that he would be stationed at an Alpine base, his heart soared for the first time in years. Perhaps he would be near his home in Stuttgart. Nothing would make him more pleased if he could see his beloved family on days off.

Unfortunately it was not meant to be; the camp was somewhere to the east, in Austria. Medic didn't let that get him down too much, however. He was able to meet with his family briefly as they traveled from the wastelands of Western America on their way to the Austrian Alpines. His father, mother, brother, and grandmother were able to meet with him for a short time and give him tons of tiny trinkets for the road. Many things he had to politely decline (as no one really needed little crafts like tea cozies and snow globes on the battlefield), but there were some that he was able to take along. A German Bible that his mother offered him was one such item, and the other was a quilt, THE quilt that had been passed down in his family for generations.

The thing was gigantic. He heard from his grandmother that her grandmother had made it with the help of her four sisters over many, many years. The thing spanned nearly forty feet squared, and was a perfect item for winter days in the mountains. In fact, the German remembered that during cold winter nights with the family, they would all bundle under the one blanket to assure that no one ever got cold. He wanted to decline such a precious gift, but the family knew that he would need it more than they. And so with a heavy heart and a heartfelt hug to each and every one of his family members, Medic rejoined his compatriots with two new items in tow. Everyone stared at the huge quilt that Medic guarded so fiercely in his lap, but they did not press the issue. They were heading into colder climates, after all. They just wished they thought ahead enough to get something that looked so comfortable.

The quilt was tucked lovingly away with the rest of his belongings in a location the other members never found out about. It was never really necessary to bring out until the end of autumn, when the first snow came about. It was mid December when the temperature hit below zero during the night, and Medic finally decided it was time to pull out his family's precious heirloom. It was his guard duty that day and God forbid he would let his teammates down by freezing to death on his watch. And so he hunkered down in a dark corner of the base's entrance, wrapped himself up nicely in the enormous blanket, and stared out into the swirling black and white air. The wind was picking up, and he wished he had brought a clock to tell when it would be Heavy's turn to take his place.

The snow fell heavily that night, and Medic shivered even with the quilt insulating him. It just wasn't enough; the wind was too great, and he was certain that he would begin to lose extremities if it got any worse.

"Hey Doc, what's eating you?" Medic gave a scream when BLU's Scout waved him down. The Bostonian blinked at Medic as he restarted his heart, "Yo Doc, it's just me."

Medic glared at the young man suspiciously, "Vere is your pistol, Schweinhund?"

"Oh, yeah, not a Spy," Scout said, fishing out everything from his pockets and packs. Various items from pistols to bats to baseballs to fishing line were shown to Medic as an offering of peace. The German waved them away.

"Vat are you doink up?" Medic demanded, glaring at the young man who was fully dressed in his heaviest clothing, with an additional blanket over his shoulders. "You haff no guard duty tonight."

"Well yeah, but I couldn't sleep. Man is it cold up here," Scout shivered and rubbed his arms, jogging in place. His breath came out as a fog as he continued, "I was going to take a jog around the base to try and get warmed up. You coming?"

"And get zniped? No zank you."

"Well then, I guess I'll just leave you to hanging out in the back like some sort of… is RED's Sniper really out right now?" Scout asked, suddenly worried about going outside.

Medic grumbled and curled up even more in the blanket so all Scout could see was his tiny glasses peeking from the folds of his precious quilt, "Medics don't take chances. You should know zat by now."

"Now I dunno if I want to go out…" Scout said quietly.

"Zen go back to bed. I vill keep vatch."

Scout flailed, "But damn, Doc, it's so cold! I'm going to freeze to death if I head back to the cold floor, you know that!"

"Do I?" Medic asked nonchalantly, scratching his stubble in thought.

Scout crossed around to Medic's other side and grasped at the precious quilt, "Look, your quilt looks pretty comfy. Do you have enough room for another?"

Medic gave a shout and grasped at the quilt, tugging lightly so as not to harm the stitching but forcefully enough to remind Scout just who he was dealing with, "Absolutely not! Zis iz not for frauleins! Touchink zee quilt iz VERBOTEN."

Too late. The speedy Scout somehow squeezed downward and flipped the sacred quilt over him. The two were soon under the quilt together, "Holy crap, this is actually pretty nice," Scout admired the warmth of the quilt, "Man, Doc, this is amazing, do you mind?"

"I absolutely do! Out! OUT!"

"Awww, come on, man, I'm sure you're feeling warmer already with two instead of one. You won't even know I'm here. Good night!"

"Night!? NIGHT!?" Medic screeched in horror as his heirloom was manhandled by what he once thought was a teammate he trusted to keep his hands where they belonged. He wondered if anyone would care if the teenager was missing so long as his Ubersaw was fully filled by tomorrow, "Filthy little DOG, I command you to unhand my family's quilt immediately! I can and VILL kill you!"

"Medic…?" The German clamped his mouth shut and slowly turned to the voice. BLU's Heavy Weapons Guy was looking down on him, lantern in one hand and eyes wide in light fear, "I heard you shouting; is everything okay?"

"Yeah man, everything's fine!" Heavy stopped and stared as Scout poked his head out from under the quilt. Heavy stared at Scout, then blinked at Medic, turned back to Scout, and opened his mouth. He thought against it, and closed it. Medic sighed lightly as Heavy opened his mouth again, trying to piece together just what was going on.

"Zee schweinhund refuses to release my quilt," Medic explained, giving a hiss at Scout for good measure before returning to speak with Heavy, "Believe me, zee lazt zing I vant iz zis dog in here."

"Yo Heavy! Your shift's almost here, right? Dude, you could totally have a nap in here until the time comes. It's so warm!" Scout said suddenly, making Medic's eyes bulge. The "good" doctor glared at Scout and turned back to Heavy to remedy the situation, but it was too late.

"Is it really so warm!?" Heavy cried in delight. He placed the lantern on the floor and began to shuffle under the quilt, "Doktor, move aside, I want to try!"

"No! Out! Shoo! Remove yourself from the premizes! Neiiiin!" Medic tried not to whimper as he was sandwiched between two men as they bundled up under his precious heirloom. "Pleaze, pleaze get out… you'll get it all dirty…" the German practically pled.

"Not as much as you would, and we can wash it later," Scout muttered sleepily, leaning against Medic's side and curling up against the wall. Medic grumbled lowly and tried to snuggle further under the blanket, but something was jabbing into his back. He couldn't turn around as Heavy and Scout were pressed so tightly on either side of him, but something…

"'ey Mates," Medic momentarily forgot about the annoying prodding in his back, as BLU's Sniper came into view and gave him an informal, two fingered salute, "Ya'll doin' alright?"

"Vat makes you zink not? Vy are you up, anyvay?"

"Bloody 'ell, someone trod on my gut, woke me up right good," Sniper said, curling his upper lip in disgust at the thought, "Figgured I'd better check you guys out and make sure everythin's doin' well."

"Ahhh, Excusez moi." Medic tensed horribly as there was a familiar "Vwoosh" and BLU's Spy appeared; he had snuck in under the quilt, and the prodding on the German's back had been from the European, "I did not mean to…"

Medic screamed at Spy's intrusion so loudly that RED's night watch woke up, looked about in confusion, shrugged, and returned to sleep.

"Holy shit, Doc!" Scout whispered loudly (as the kid really couldn't say anything quietly).

"Doktor, why do you yell?" Heavy groaned.

"Crikey, Mate…" Sniper muttered, trying to get his ears to stop ringing

"Wake the 'ole compound up, why don't you?" Spy said with a disdainful frown.

"You…! You-you-you-YOU…!!" Medic practically screeched, flailing at the Spy as the European grasped a corner of the quilt and attempted to return to sleep, "No! No cigarettes in zee quilt! No zmoke zmell on zee fibers! Out out out!"

"What's up? Any cattle to be herded?" BLU's Engineer asked, sliding into view.

"Mmph!" Pyro proclaimed, ready to fry anyone and everyone who came into his/her line of sight.

"Up an' at 'em, Lads!" Demoman shouted, "Where're the intruders? We'll blow 'em sky high!"

"There's no worry Mates, Medic just got jumpy about his quilt or somethin'," Sniper said, "By the way, you got any room under there for me?"

"Jumpy!?" Medic cried hoarsely, "Zis iz only jumpy because you- No!" the German kicked feebly as Sniper found a corner to hide under, "Remove yourzelf at vahnce! All of you!"

"Hey now, Pardner, we all need a bit o' that heat. It's a cold night."

"Mmph? Mmphphphff mmphff!" Pyro agreed, moving to join Sniper and Engineer.

Medic cursed colorfully in German and curled his legs up as close to his body as he could, so he wouldn't touch anyone as much as humanely possible. Demoman was the last to find his way under the quilt. It was so huge; everyone was able to find a place under it.

"Yo Heavy, it's your watch, right? Get some rest, Doc. Your voice sounds like you could use it," Scout chuckled. He yawned lightly as he finally drifted off to sleep with Medic's shoulder as a pillow.

"Good night, Doktor. You sleep well, da?" Heavy said, placing his giant hand on the German's head. Medic brushed it off, but sighed and resigned to his fate.

"I vill have as good a night as I vant. Neverzeeless, guten nacht, Heavy." Medic then snuck under the covers and removed his glasses, placing them tenderly in their case. He then settled down and found that his head rested on something soft.

He suddenly smelled smoke, as Spy was silently laughing, "You like that, Doctor?" the European smirked. Medic glared at Spy, lifted his head from the man's crotch, grasped the cigarette in his latex gloved hand, and crushed it without a word.

He then shifted to avoid Spy altogether, but soon heard Sniper. "'ey, Mate, git yer boots out o' my face…" the Australian muttered lowly in his sleep. Medic hissed and curled up further, and soon his face ended up in the sweaty Engineer's armpit. The smell was horrendous, but no one else was whining at him, so he decided to live with it and attempt to sleep.

Medic was one of the last to wake up the next morning. His neck hurt like a bitch, his knees were sore, and his shoulder was covered in drool. But despite all that, he was warmer than he had been in many, many nights past, and it was all thanks to his magical heirloom quilt, with a little help from his team…

The German resigned to never take the quilt out of its hiding place ever, ever again.

The End!

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Hope you enjoyed it! Send something my way, please!


	13. Love Triangle

Dedicated to the real Love Triangle in TF2: Pyro/Medic/Heavy. Everyone seems to love the Medic and Heavy couple during battle, but I've found that when I join a group with no medics or heavies, suddenly three guys turn Heavy and immediately DEMAND me to follow them like I'm THEIRS or something.

HELL. NO.

Pyros, on the other hand, tend to actually care about me. If I am watching their back, I have a much better chance of being protected than if I head with a Heavy.

Of course, there's always exceptions, but this is how I've found most games to be. So there we are. Anyway...

READ ON!

---

BLU's Pyro yawned widely as s/he tucked his/her purse in his/her locker and left the BLU's locker room, ready for some spy checking.

"Uff, Herr Pyro, vere do you zink you're goink?" Pyro's eyebrows knitted in surprise and turned around to see BLU's Medic, looking, for once, rather uninterested in the battle that would soon be happening, "As much as vee don't seem to get along, Heavy is avay at zee moment und I have no one to vatch my back. Perhapz it vould be beneficial for us to verk togezer today?"

Pyro stared at Medic, checked behind him (to make sure he had a shadow and was therefore not a doppelganger), and then stared at him some more. Medic then rolled his eyes as Pyro wasted half of his/her gasoline on making DAMN WELL SURE this was the actual Medic and not some filthy RED Spy, "YEZ, it iz me, Medic, can vee GO or vill I find Herr Demoman to vatch out for, eh?"

Pyro shrugged, turned, and let Medic follow behind him/her at a leisurely pace. It was cool (or maybe… hot?) to having an umbilical cord of life and health coming at him/her all the time. S/he walked to the entrance of their base, waited two seconds, and fired up his/her flamethrower.

S/he created a nice stream of fire that tripped up RED's Soldier and sent him running back from whence he came, screaming for RED's Medic. Pyro turned to Medic, smiled, and gave him a thumbs up. Medic couldn't reply with a hand gesture, but he shrugged, "By zee vay, I zought I zaw zumzink from zee zewers."

Pyro saluted his/her friend, lit up his/her flamethrower, and soon a RED outline appeared as RED Spy screeched in pain. "Madre del Dio!" The two watched in utter satisfaction as he did a tiny dance before them, and afterwards curled up into a fetal position and slowly roasted to death.

"Zat vas aktually quite fun to vatch…" Medic mused at the charred corpse. He blinked as Pyro lifted up a large, two pronged fork. On the tip was an Oscar Mayer wiener. Medic laughed aloud.

"Zo ZIS iz vat you do on a regular basiz!" Medic proclaimed, taking to the proffered dog and cooking it over the human flesh, "How doez it taste after?"

Medic didn't actually see it, but he could feel Pyro's eyes sparkling with delight. Apparently, human flesh made for good smoked meat. Any other person would have recoiled in horror, but it was right down Medic's alley, "It'z a pity, though. He muzt have had a fine brain to dissect."

Pyro shrugged. S/he didn't save anything, usually. There was silence for a moment, and s/he spoke up, "Mmphmm phphhmph?"

"Hmmm? Oh, you needn't vorry yourzelf over zat," Medic replied, "But if for zome reason you CAN save zomezing, I vould appreciate it." The two looked at each other; they had come to a strange understanding, but it was there, and nothing would change it. Pyro leaned on his/her flamethrower. S/he wished that s/he could spend a little more time with the Medic…

Pyro whirled around when s/he heard something spinning. Oh God, it was Sasha, and BLU's Heavy was indeed away for the day. Medic heard the gun as well; he stood to pull out his medigun but Pyro wasn't an idiot. S/he couldn't keep those bullets from ripping Medic asunder, and there was NO way s/he would losing the one person who actually stood next to him/her without flinching or running. This guy was JUST as insane as him/her and s/he would NOT lose him! S/he grabbed his collar and dragged him back behind a wall.

"Vat is zee plan?" Medic whispered. Pyro thought for a moment, and lifted his/her finger to the tip of his/her gas mask. The answer was simple: _Stay here and BE QUIET._

Medic opened his mouth but Pyro disappeared around the corner. He twitched when he heard Sasha roar to life, but the bullets flew into his line of sight, and no blood was left in their wake. Did Pyro manage to find a safe haven? He loaded up his syringes and waited for Sasha to quiet down. Then he turned and poked his head out. Ahh! Pyro managed to escape into the hallway between Medic's hideout and the RED Heavy's gun. There was only one problem: now that Heavy couldn't see Pyro, he decided to settle on the next best thing. Medic saw his enemy's eyes lock onto his, and he opened his mouth and shut it like a beached fish.

Sasha revved up and Medic realized that he was not going to get out of this alive. He pulled himself back and retreated into a corner as he saw the bullets fly. Sasha calmed down, and Medic heard Heavy creep forward, "Doktooor! I'm looking for you…!"

…

It probably would have been fairly scary if not for the fact that Heavy moved like a SLUG and would probably round the corner in seven years, minimum. But then he heard a sound that made him smile. Pyro lit his/her flamethrower, and Heavy gave a shout as he was roasted alive.

Medic blinked when he heard gunfire, and lifted his medigun to care for his partner. He rounded the corner, stepped over the remains of his enemy, and inspected Pyro. He had been torn apart, point blank, by Sasha, and he was bleeding out fast, "You're lucky you have me here, Pyro…" Medic said nonchalantly. Pyro didn't doubt his words; it was the first time, however, that Medic went out of his way to help him/her. When the wounds were secure and the metal removed from his/her body, Pyro took Medic's hand and stood, "Now zen, az I vaz sayi…" Medic blinked as Pyro took Medic's shoulder and wrapped his/her other arm around the doctor's back, squeezing him in a half hug of appreciation.

"Mmph… phhhhhmmph…"

Medic blinked through his glasses at the physical contact.

_Thank you… for being there…_

"G…Get off me, you zentimental dummkopf!" Medic shouted, struggling with the overtly emotional form. Finally, Medic pried Pyro off of him and resisted the urge to smack his patient around (as the mask would end up hurting him more than Pyro) "I did it because I you were zere and I HAD TO if I vas going to hear zee end of anyzink from zat schweinhund Soldier, zo ZTOP, TOUCHINK."

Pyro nodded in understanding and Medic cursed to himself, "Bah, Mein Gott, iz everyone in zis base a child?"

"Mmph…?"

Medic turned to Pyro, sighed, and rolled his eyes, "But it vas nice, I zuppose. To hear zome thankz. Y…You're velcome, Pyro. Very much so." Pyro laughed aloud and Medic smiled, "Perhaps accompanying you vas not zuch a bad idea after all… Vee could continue zis state of affairs, ja?"

Pyro nodded vigorously, and Medic bowed low, allowing him/her to move ahead of him. "Very vell, zen. Lead zee vay…"

And then something horrible happened.

"AHH! DOKTOR!" Pyro looked up at BLU's Heavy, who just returned from a three day trip to civilization and markets with BLU's Engineer.

"Ahh, good morning, Herr Heavy, I zought you vould be here later today," Medic said, waltzing past Pyro to speak to his normal meat shield.

"Engineer was worried about baby machines! He was afraid Spy would sap!" Heavy laughed aloud, "He drove so fast I nearly lost Sandvich!"

"Vonderful, zen we can get zis show on zee road, ja?" Medic said, turning on his heel and snapping his fingers, "Vee should find Soldier and go on zee offensive zen."

"Right you are!" Heavy proclaimed, following after Medic like a puppy. Pyro watched as the two left without so much as acknowledging his/her existence. S/he stared at them, and tried to speak up, but they rounded a corner and disappeared. His/her new friend, gone… Heavy… Heavy took away the Medic that Pyro wanted to get to know just a little bit better…

No one could see it, but a small tear trickled down his/her cheek…

---

I dunno, really...


	14. Valentimes is Serious Times

Happy Valentine's Day everyone!

Not really a continuation of the last chapter, as this is RED instead of BLU. As you can see when you read this, my Valentine's Day view isn't so much BOYFRIENDS or GIRLFRIENDS but is instead a day to show love in any form. So you'll see that while the men don't have girls to make out with, their ways of coping make them do something OTHER than wallow in self pity.

So yes, I hope you enjoy the story!

READ ON!

---

RED's Pyro trotted through the compound, clutching something close to his/her chest. S/he walked along and spotted RED's Spy. He was poring over a book. "Mmph?"

"Indeed," Spy said lightly, flipping a page. "What do you want?"

"Mmphphmm," Pyro replied.

"I'm leaving the compound tonight," Spy answered, "Perhaps if I can drive into civilization, I can avoid being lonely tonight. Hmm… maybe I can bring Sniper or Soldier along for the ride…" Pyro stared at Spy shook his head and blew a plume out of his nostrils, "No, they'd only get in the way…"

Pyro shrugged as the European went off on a quiet tangent that s/he couldn't understand. S/he turned and left to find someone else, still clutching the package close to his/her chest. S/he soon found his/herself in the kitchen, where RED's Scout and Soldier were procuring various ingredients for some sort of pastry, judging by the fact that Scout was holding the fifteen pound bag of sugar in his arms. "Alright, you got the eggs, and here's the sugar. Where's the milk? It needs to be whole milk. Not that gross low fat. Yuck."

"Mmph?" Pyro asked. The two men looked up at the fire lover.

"Oh, hey Pyro. I thought I'd make something special today. Soldier's helping me out." Pyro swelled with happiness. Whenever Scout made "Something Special", it usually consisted of the greatest tasting cake anyone had ever had. It was a family recipe that was given to him by his girlfriend, so making it on this day seemed appropriate.

"Mmphphmmphphph?" Pyro asked.

"Nothin' much else for me to do today," Soldier answered with a shrug. Pyro knew the real reason; if he helped Scout make the cake, he may learn how to make it for future use. It was just that good that even Soldier wanted to know what went into it.

"Well?" Scout said, looking at Pyro and brandishing a beater in his/her direction, "If you aren't helping, out! Go do something useful!"

Pyro snorted through his/her gas mask and slunk from the room. It just wasn't fair. S/he clutched the package close to his/her chest as s/he ghosted through the compound. Finally, s/he came upon two others. RED's Demoman and Heavy were gathered around various bottles of alcohol, and Pyro cocked his/her head, "Mmph? Mmph, mmphphph mmmmph."

"Ach, what do you know, lad (lassie?)!" Demoman shouted. Obviously, he was already inebriated, and he couldn't do anything quietly when he was filled with whiskey, "what else is theah ta do tadeh besides get drunk off our asses?"

"No pretty girls in base…" Heavy mourned. Pyro stared as the Russian hugged his bottles, "but it's okay. Girls always complaining. Vodka never complains… Vodka so nice…"

Pyro switched between looking at Demoman and Heavy. S/he gave them a thumbs up and told them to continue what they were doing. Demoman passed out and Heavy began to sob. The fire lover about faced and ran.

Who else was there…? Pyro snapped his/her fingers (which was difficult to do given his/her asbestos lined gloves, but s/he managed it); RED's Sniper was still there! S/he trotted off to the Sniper deck, where the Australian was fiddling with a stamp that had gotten stuck to his tongue.

"Buggerin' bloody… what is it!?" he growled when Pyro approached. S/he tried not to laugh at the scene Sniper gave, and instead offered help. Sniper would have none of it, "Piss off, ya wanker."

"Mmph…?" Pyro asked.

"Can't a guy send a letter ta his mum in peace?" Sniper howled, clawing at the stamp on his tongue, "Tastes like shit… Damnit, go away!" Pyro snorted in anger and left the Australian alone to remove the stamp. He finally got it to stop sticking, but it soon slid down his throat.

The man gave a scream of frustration that Pyro could hear all the way down the hall. S/he shrugged and headed to speak with RED's Engineer, who was found, like usual, in his workshop.

"G'day, Pyro. What can I do you for?" Engineer asked with a smile. Pyro opened his/her mouth, but stopped when s/he saw what he was working on. It was a letter similar to the one Sniper was working on, but that's not what caught Pyro's attention. On Engineer's desk was a picture of a beautiful woman, cradling a young girl in her arms.

"Mmphph mm mmph phphmm," Pyro said.

"Hah, thanks a lot, pardner," Engineer said with a smile, "Was there sumthin' you needed?"

Pyro shook his/her head, and left without a word. S/he continued to hold his/her package close to his/her chest, wondering just what to do with it. It was then that s/he passed RED's Medic's medical ward. S/he looked down at the package, wondering if the idea that came to his/her mind was really a good one. Shrugging, s/he decided that nothing ventured was nothing gained. S/he opened the door and was immediately met by the usual testy tone.

"Vee aren't even fightink at zis moment, VAT could EVER be WRONG?" Medic growled from his position hunched over some medicinal bottles. He didn't even bother to look up from them.

"Mmph," Pyro replied, hopefully destroying Medic's fears.

Medic stopped, and turned to Pyro in his swiveling stool, "Vat are you doink here, Pyro?"

"Mmph phhphphmm," was the answer.

Medic frowned and looked away, "Valentine's Day. Bah!" he scoffed angrily.

"Mmph? Phphmmphph phmm ph?"

"Of course I have no Valentine! Zilly zentimental dummkopf…ery…!" Medic cursed in German at losing his train of thought, and instead he turned to his medicines again. There was silence for a moment, and Medic waved his hand feebly in Pyro's direction. "Just go avay," he said quietly.

Pyro looked at Medic, shrugged, and placed the parcel on the desk next to the German. "Mmph phphmm?"

Medic looked at the small package, and glared at the fire wo/man, "You do realize zat ven I unleash my hoard of mutated zombiez, you are not goink to be spared zee apocalypse of man jast because of zis trite offering?"

Pyro shrugged, gave Medic a thumbs up, and left the ward.

The German glared at the back of Pyro's gas mask until s/he was gone, and he turned to the parcel. He picked it up to throw in the garbage, but something told him to pick at the brown packaging. It finally came away and there sat a small box of chocolates.

"Bah!" Medic hissed, throwing the parcel in the trash. And yet only the wrapping fell to its doom. The chocolates remained. The German glared at the chocolates, ordering them to follow; they would not.

Finally, he resigned and opened the box, taking one of the little chocolates from its wrapper. He supposed when he created the zombie apocalypse of man, he would only kill Pyro a little bit…

The End

---

Hope you enjoyed it.


	15. Just A Little Prick

YAY FF dot net decided to stop crapping out!

Not much to say aside from this is based off of me spectating and seeing a Medic Kritz a Scout. The Medic got "You'll Feel A Little Prick". It was freaking AMAZING.

So here it is.

Also there is something wrong with this story. Can you figure out what it is!?

READ ON!

---

BLU's Medic took a moment to perform light first aid on himself, even though he was behind the enemy lines. Thankfully, the REDs hadn't noticed he was hiding in a small room, slinking in the shadows. They were too busy pushing their cart forward. How he hated watching out the window, seeing RED's Scout, Medic and Heavy keep moving forward. However, there wasn't much he could do. He slid downward and swabbed his wound with alcohol.

He barely finished bandaging his wound when something slammed into his side and hunkered down with him. "Hey, Doc!" BLU's Scout said with a smile.

"Herr Christ!" Medic swore, clutching his heart. He turned to the young man with a glare, "Vat do you zink you are doink, schweinhund?"

"Oh man, we thought you were dead. Haven't seen you in a while. It'd suck to be us without you, huh?" Scout said. He wiped sweat from his forehead and continued, "I was kinda sent to stop that RED's Engie building anything up, but man, you're a nice little bonus. Let's head back together."

Medic snorted, "I won't follow you. Vere iz a Heavy? No Pyro?"

Scout shrugged, "I'm all you got, Doc." There was silence, and Medic slumped in horror. Scout was all he had? How were they going to break through to the other BLUs? The doctor scratched his stubble in thought, but blinked at Scout as the young man started removing his shirt.

"Vat are you…?"

"God, it's freaking hot," Scout interrupted, tossing his sweaty shirt aside, "You charged?"

Medic's jaw dropped, "V…vat…?" he squeaked.

Scout blinked at Medic, his eyebrow raised in question, "What are you 'vat'ing about? You know what I mean! God, what the hell were you thinking of?"

Medic sighed in horror, and dropped the subject. He looked at the gun as it hummed with power, "Vell… yez… zee Medigun is charged, but…"

"Ten seconds of your Uber should be enough to get us through the front lines to our side. Sure, it'll be a waste of a good Uber, but I want to live, and you and I…"

"It'z… not an Uber charge…"

"Oh, okay, that's…" Scout did a double take, "The hell? Not an Uber? What the…?"

"I vas plannink on Kritzing Herr Demoman, but vee vere zeparated, and…" Medic quieted down, and Scout groaned at their luck.

"Just great," he muttered, stretching his aching legs with a frown, "I'm stuck behind enemy lines with a Medic who for whatever god forfreaking reason thinks that a Kritz can EVER beat an Uber out!"

"Vat about you? Vat about you just runnink about vitout zinking for vahnce about strategy?" The two bickered for a moment, but they hunkered into the corner in horror as a rocket zoomed past the house they were hiding in. They then immediately pushed each other apart and Medic slowly, slowly stood up to look out the window, "Look, Scout, zere iz only vahn zing to do."

"And what's that, smart guy?"

"Vee have zee element of surprise. Your scattergun…"

Scout's eyes widened. "No…" he muttered, "nononononono! Do you honestly think we can…?"

"They do not know vee vill be coming up behind zem. It iz zee only vay…"

Scout glared at Medic, "I'm sure there are plenty of other 'vay's, and just because the only way to get back to our side is through the enemy Engie's Sentry doesn't mean we should try and…" Scout groaned and double face palmed, "Oh god… we're going to die…"

"Vell zen, let'z go out vit a bang, ja?"

Scout hyperventilated a bit, and his hands slowly moved downward, so he was clawing at his lower eyelids and smiling like a fool at Medic. "I… I guess they'll yell at me if I don't bring you back, but they can't really yell at me if I'm dead too, right? Alright, on one condition!"

"One… condi… Mein Gott, do not even zink of it…!"

Scout stood up and began removing his belt, "Come on Doc, it'll be freaking AWESOME."

Now it was Medic's turn to face palm. "Jesus Christ, vhy did You ztick me vit him…?"

---

BLU's Heavy stood at the point and laid down some fire to stop the payload, but the cart wouldn't stop moving. RED's Scout kept it moving forward, and RED's Heavy was spraying bullets at them. The Builder's League man had to retreat back to where BLU's Engineer was hiding with his sentry, "What are we going to do? Baby Team is controlling kart! Where is Medic? Where is Uber?"

Engineer didn't look up from his sentry upgrades, "Do you honestly think I have time to think o' stuff like that when there's a spy right behind us?" Heavy blinked and turned around. He was staring straight at himself.

RED's Spy dropped like a sack of potatoes, and Engineer tipped his hat in Heavy's direction, "Much obliged."

But Heavy didn't feel any better. "Now I am worried more. Doktor could be hurt. Was he stabbed? He could be…"

"The bomb is nearing a checkpoint!" Heavy's ears perked up from the Announcer's voice, and he rushed down to look out over the front. He gasped. From behind the lines, there was a strange light…

Medic's Kritzkrieg shone like the sun, and suddenly, leaping into combat, was: "Underwear Officer's Arial Assault Gogogogo!" BLU's Scout was wearing nothing but his shoes, underwear, hat and pack; Underwear Officer appeared once again. RED's Scout turned around and looked skyward with a face of disbelief. He ate scattergun shrapnel for his non-belief. CRITICAL scattergun shrapnel.

The shells were able to find the direst of locations to embed themselves. BLU's Scout flicked the empty shell from the barrel and fired again. RED's Medic screamed at the shrapnel in his eyes and dropped quickly. Scout landed on the payload and cocked his gun, pointing it directly at RED's Heavy. He smirked as he fired into the man's head…

…And his smile disappeared when the Kritz failed and Heavy refused to fall. The gigantic man lifted his minigun…

Something stopped him. Scout saw Medic's saw coming down through the man's back. With a smirk, he drew the saw up and inspected the liquid he took from the enemy. Scout was staring at him, and he blinked, "Vat?"

"That…" Scout's eyes shone like stars and he gave a delighted whoop, "That was freaking AWESOME! I TOLD you it would be amazing, but did you listen? Nooooo, don't do it, Scout! Seriously, as if anyone has any dignity during a killfest like this." He sat down on the bomb as if riding horseback and stared at Medic with a smile, "Man, watch those REDs run like little chickens. See ya in hell, Assholes!"

"Well, that wasn't anythin' I expected…" BLU's Sniper muttered, sauntering out on the field, "But I guess that works…"

"Outta the way! Outta the way!" BLU's Demoman shouted, shoving everyone out of the way. He inspected the bomb, pressed his ear against it, and tapped it lightly with his knuckles.

Scout gave a cry, sliding off the bomb and into Medic's arms. The German sighed. "Holy shit man, I was freaking on the TOP. Careful!!"

"Thought so…" Demoman said, ignoring Scout. He flipped something open and peered into the bomb, "Detanates by remote… Lemme just…" Something was clipped, and Demoman dusted his hands, "Alright, disarmed!"

"Hurray! BLU is safe now!" Heavy proclaimed, scooping Engineer up in a half hug of delight. The Texan chuckled at the man's delightful shout, and shrugged at Sniper as the man kept his distance and watched the festivities.

"And now you can get off of me, Scout…" Medic muttered. Scout stared at the German, and suddenly realized he was practically hugging him. The Bostonian immediately released Medic, coughed in his hand, and looked back at the older man.

"By the way, Doc, where'd you put my pants, anyway?" The group immediately turned from Scout to Medic, who slammed a palm on his face once again.

It was not the last time he did so that day.

The End!

---

Hope you enjoyed it!


	16. Worst Idea Ever

I kept wanting to write this story for a long time now. Honestly, it's a stupid idea but I still wanted to for some reason. It's a guilty pleasure of mine, I guess. I kept thinking on the fact that a lot of author/esses seem to like to have their stupid avatar/mary sue talk to the characters before the story, ala:

Spy: Omfg why am I talking? You always choose me. I thought you liked Medic more.

Me: LAWL It's because Medic's busy giving Heavy a blowjob!

Medic: I am not vat are you talkink about.

Heavy+Me: YOU ARE NOW.

Medic: NEIN!!!

And yet no matter how much the characters protest and they say the story's stupid or they say they'll never make out with another character, they always seem to do so for stupid as hell reasons such as "lawl I'm the author/ess and I say so." Which is a stupid way to start writing a story. So I decided that if the characters were ever going to be able to fight back about bad stories, I should let them. It'd be funny way to parody and it might give a few people who are writing horrible stories of their own to think for a moment before uploading it. Sure, they can write it; I wrote this. But remember, people, not everything you write is solid gold kawaiidesuchan. so writing is fine. uploading probably isn't.

ALRIGHT enough being a jerk:

READ ON!

---

There was once upon a time, a long time ago, a man known only as "Spy" who traveled far and wide through the far famed Kerry Mountains. He was a bandit, a thief who enjoyed stealing from the rich and giving to himself. It was a simple life, one filled with danger, intrigue, and sexy ladies.

One day, Spy met with Captain Ferrel, a peacemaker and Soldier who ran the militiamen in the mountains. Spy had an idea, and when Soldier was in his quarters, counting out the money he possessed, Spy struck!

He produced a pistol of expert quality, along with a rapier sharp enough to pierce bone, and pointed them at Soldier. "Stand and Deliver, mongrel."

"Who are you, Maggot?" Soldier hissed.

Spy smiled under his mask, "I am the bold deceiver… You know what?" Spy relaxed the hold on his weapons. He placed the rapier's tip to the floor and leaned on it with an angry look on his face, "This is done. We're over. Through."

"What what what!?" the Authoress cried, rushing out onto the scene, "But the story I wrote up clearly says you take Captain Ferrel's money and make off with it to your girlfriend, Jenny!"

"That's just the thing," Spy replied, tossing the rapier aside. Soldier barely caught it. "Who in the world is my girlfriend, anyway? You never wrote one up for me!"

The Authoress sighed and thought to herself about the predicament. "Well, you know, there aren't that many girls around here for me to work with, and the Announcer's off on important work…" She turned around and blinked at Medic, who was jotting something down on a clipboard. "Oh Mediiiic?"

"Nein," was the answer.

"But it'll only be for a few scenes! And I can totally make you a chick if you want. I mean, vaginas are pretty sexy, and you can play with your own breasts. Think about it."

"I said nein."

"Let's just make up a cardboard sheila an' get on with it," Sniper said from the rafters where he was working with the backgrounds. He smirked down upon the three with a nasty thought, "I've always wanted ta see the bloody wanker get off on somethin' more physical than the sheilas he keeps harpin' about."

The Authoress got an idea. "Hey Sniper! You don't like Spy, right? That totally means you two are perfect for each other then!"

"I swear to everything that is holy, I will kill you dead," both Spy and Sniper said in unison.

"Besides!" Demoman shouted loudly enough to fill the entire stage, staggering up to the Authoress as she sobbed into her script, "Innit this an Irish chant?"

"Folksong."

"None o' us'r Irish! What's gotten inta ya, Lassie?"

The Authoress sniffled and rubbed her eyes, "I just thought that if I didn't mention the name too much, people would just assume that it was too cute and not bother with it. Besides, the script doesn't call for you."

Demoman was taken aback. Just like all the other times, too! "Donnae invite me to tha partae, why don't ya!? Ya got summin agenst Scottish Blacks, Miss?"

"Kinda; I mean, there were like, no blacks in Ireland at that time…"

Spy frowned at the Authoress with a disdainful sigh. "Neither Australian, nor American, either. So in other words, you're just racist."

"Alright guys I'm ready!" Scout announced, rushing up in a smart uniform similar to the one Soldier was stepping out of at that moment, "Let's keep this moving! Why isn't anyone acting? Come on, chop chop!"

"Scout, what are you doing?" Spy asked.

"Look at me!" Scout flailed in his suit. "I'm totally going to be your brother!"

Spy licked his lips to keep them from getting chapped. "My brother."

"Yeah! See, when Jenny betrays you and Soldier captures you and throws you in prison…"

"What!?" Spy nearly hit the roof. He turned to glare at the Authoress, and he pointed a shapely gloved finger at Soldier. "I never agreed to be captured by that addlebrained buffoon!"

Five seconds of silence passed. "Hey wait a minute," Soldier said.

The Authoress, who was hiding in fear behind her clipboard and script, looked at him with a worried look in her eye. "Would you rather have it be Engineer?"

"I would rather have none of it at all!" Spy hissed loudly as he snatched the script from the Authoress' hands and scanned it quickly. "What's this? Jenny filling my pistol with water? She'd have a dagger in the back before she could touch my gun."

The Authoress piped up, "To be honest, you're supposed to be sleeping," but a glare from the European silenced her again.

"All of this is nonsense. I would never be caught by Soldier and this CHILD would never be the one assisting me in my release." The Authoress gave a cry as the European ripped the papers up and tossed them in the air. "Good day, Gentlemen." And with that, he cloaked and disappeared.

There was silence for a long while, destroyed only by the Authoress' sudden sobs. She held her head in her hands and cried into them. "Oh my god. Oh my god, he was right. This is like, the worst idea I've ever made. Oh god, why did I even think of it?"

"Hey now," Engineer said, patting the Authoress' back, "Come now, I'm sure itwern't so bad…" He then turned around and nodded to the others, signifying that yes, it was pretty horrible.

"WELP," Scout said loudly, attracting everyone's attention. He started removing his costume and soon he was back in his normal outfit. "Since this is a bust, imma head off somewhere 'n' get a soda!"

"Kin ya take 'er, Scout? I bet she'd 'ppreciate a malt," Engineer said as he continued to pat the sobbing form.

The Bostonian shrugged, "Sure, her mom pretty much lived next door to me, so I guess we're practically family." He led the Authoress off to the ice cream parlor, "But you're not allowed to get all Mary Sue make-outy with me, alright? I mean, I'm freakin' like old enough to be your dad."

The Authoress sniffled and wiped her eyes once again. "We can't even share some cider through a straw?"

"Only if you want fourteen kids," Scout replied, shrugging lightly.

The Authoress opted for keeping the malt to herself.

THE END!

---

NOTES:

The story comes from "Whiskey In The Jar", which is basically the story of a thief who steals money and whose girlfriend betrays him for someodd reason, probably for money or whatev.

The second part is that my mom was born just outside of Boston, and still thinks of it as her home. It's a little funny because she ended up marrying an Engineer. Hohoho.

Thirdly, the last bit that Scout and the Authoress talk about is a reference to another song that was a campfire song when my mom was young. It was basically about a young woman who meets a young man. They share a glass of cider with two straws, and the next thing the young woman knows she's got an overbearing mother-in-law and fourteen kids.

I kinda assumed Scout's the kind of kid who'd want a hundred kids, which would be a good way to get any woman to think twice before wanting to make out with him. Be careful before you make out with cute Bostonians, girls!

Anyway, reviews would be nice.


	17. The Griefers

A friend of mine wanted me to write about griefers.

So I did.

Not much else to say on the subject.

READ ON!

---

RED lost their Soldier again. The new one heading onto the frontlines wondered just how they could lose three in a week. He was a trusted and valuable member of his former teams, however, so he knew that he could keep himself alive for the other REDs! He just had to make sure that he kicked the rest of the group into shape. He heard that this particular group was infamous for its idiocy, but there wasn't anything that some good ol' constant yelling wouldn't fix!

He really should have known something was amiss the moment he walked out of the locker room, onto a teleporter, and appeared across the map, but surrounded on all sides by a wooden prison. He stared at RED's Engineer, who stared back at him, thumping his wrench in the palm of his hand. Soldier puffed himself up and gave the man a glare that announced that he give the maggot ONE chance to explain himself, "The hell did you teleport me here, Maggot?"

The engineer replied by laughing maniacally. Soldier glared at the other man and grasped the wooden planks. "You'd better have a good reason for this! Get me out of here!" The engineer did a hoedown dance in retaliation, whistling and laughing away. How infuriating! "When I get out of here, you filthy piece of rat refuse, I will personally gib your sorry ass from here to the badlands!!" With that said, the man released his hold on the planks and looked at the wood. He really didn't need to waste ammo, the wood was pretty shoddy at best, and he eventually decided to kick the planks away. The entire building that the planks were holding up collapsed, and Soldier barely escaped with his life by diving to safety.

He grumbled and dusted himself off, and then remembered the engineer! He leaped up and was about to give the engineer a stern yelling at and a rocket up the ass, but the man was gone. Soldier glared in anger, but felt his arm twitch. It had gotten cut when he was escaping the engineer's trap. It would need medical attention. Soldier sighed and abandoned the retarded engineer for the moment, and instead went to seek the German out.

He wandered through no man's land, searching for Medic. He was surprised that he didn't see as many people as he assumed existed. Where was everyone? Suddenly, something caught his attention.

"Om nom nom nom…" Someone was eating? Eating on the job!? Why, the nerve! The rumors were true then, everyone here was a filthy moron, lying on the job and refusing to work!! Soldier rushed to the scene as fast as he could.

"Om nom nom nom…!" The sound was coming closer. He was going the right way! He rounded a corner and pointed angrily at the man making the sound.

"You!" Soldier shouted angrily. RED's Heavy Weapons Guy stuffed a slice of Sandvich in his mouth. He then chewed both voraciously and loudly.

"Om nom nom nom!" Heavy replied, chunks of the sandvich flying from his mouth. Soldier gave a sigh of relief. So the Heavy was only hurt. He just needed to recover his strength! He nodded lightly in the direction of the heavy and he turned around to leave as the Russian pulled out another slice.

Soldier stopped midstride. The heavy wasn't bleeding, he didn't have any bullets in his flesh, hell, he wasn't even burning! He whirled around and roared at the Hungry Hungry Heavy, "You fool! Stop your Sandvich eating! You're fully healed, and you'll alert the enemy to your presence!"

"OM NOM NOM NOM!" Heavy chewed in capital letters, as if spiting the new Soldier. The man twitched in anger, his face turning a lovely shade of red, and finally decided to let the man die. It would be best to leave him for dead; survival of the fittest usually did best to kill off the idiots. Maybe then the other REDs would get a heavy that would actually know how to fire. He stalked away from the chewing heavy, and he twitched as a toothpick bounced off his helmet. He whirled back around and shook his fist at Heavy. "Om nom nom nom!" Heavy said in his most innocent sounding eating voice.

Soldier shook with rage and spoke as he turned around to find a medic somewhere on the field. "Freaking asinine pieces of…" the man gave a cry when he fell over something that was just walking by him.

"Imma craaaaaaaaaaaab!" the thing gurgled in a throaty voice. Soldier scurried away from the strange creature in horror. It looked and was dressed just like RED's Spy, but its limbs were splayed in such an uncomfortable position that any actual human would have cramped up and curled up into a ball from the pain by now, "Don't touch me!" the creature gurgled like the abomination that it was, "Imma craaaaaaaaaaab!"

The Spy-like creature walked by, staring up at a disguise kit and crawling into a wall. It sat there for a moment, as if it wasn't sure it had walked into anything, shrieked, "IMMA CRAAAAB!" and scuttled backwards. Soldier leaped from the floor and about faced, escaping from the creature's vicinity with all due haste.

"Medic!" Soldier shouted, hoping to find someone sane around here. Medics were pretty on the ball! He would be able to help Soldier! Although by this time, Soldier kind of assumed he was in some deep shit and no matter how smart RED's Medic was, there was nothing that was going to make this place any better.

Medic was finally found. He was following RED's Pyro with a rather strange attachment. Soldier waved the German down with his good arm, but Medic seemed preoccupied. He was sniffing flowers and laughing at Pyro as he shouted for Medic, "Ja, Ja! Zat vas zee funniezt!"

"MMPPHIC!" Pyro shouted for the seventeenth time. Medic cackled aloud at Pyro's wit and humor.

"Medic! Medic, thank god I've found someone who is actually doing his job!" Soldier shouted, rushing up to the two. Pyro and Medic walked right past him.

"MMPPHIC!"

"Your call iz muzik to my earz!" Medic proclaimed. Soldier ran after the two, but his 80 percent running speed just couldn't catch up to their 100 and 107 percent speed. They soon rounded a corner and left him alone.

But Soldier would not be deterred! "Would you addle brained pansies look at me for a second when someone asks for a heal? It's just a scrape! I could have found a medkit in the time it took me to find you! I was trying to help give you a reason to live, you maggot! Get back here!"

He rounded the corner and watched as the two rushed up to Engineer's Level One Dispenser and Sentry, which was unsurprisingly being unguarded. Their engineer was probably off trying to find other ways to screw his teammates over. Pyro rushed right past the two buildings, and sappers mysteriously appeared on them. Soldier gasped! That Pyro was a Spy! "Boys, we have a traitor!" he shouted, whipping up his rocket launcher. He released a rocket and the Spy went flying, but he was kept alive due to Medic's overhealing. Medic still had his beam trained on the bastard, however, and it made Soldier remember that no one in this damned place was even slightly smart! But it was okay, Soldier was trained in the art of rocket juggling! Before the enemy spy could drop to the floor, Soldier set his sights and the enemy exploded in a fantastic array of blood and guts in unison with the sapped sentry and dispenser.

Medic watched as the blood rained down on him, and he turned to Soldier with a frown. "NOW can you heal this wound?" Soldier shouted, pointing at his wounded arm.

Medic practically pouted at Soldier. "You killed my spy."

"You KNEW he was a spy?"

"Vhy did I keep my beam on him after he zapped zee buildingz?"

Soldier opened his mouth but Medic tapped his ear and spoke into it, "Announcer, zee Soldier you got uz killed my spy. Do zomezink about it."

There was silence for a moment, and someone boomed over an intercom that spread her voice over the entire compound, "You come here into our lands and expect to do as you please?"

"What are you talking about?" Soldier cried in horror at the Announcer, "We're supposed to kill the enemies, aren't we!?"

"We're supposed to have fun," the Announcer replied. She pressed a button and smirked evilly, "And I'm sorry to say, Soldier, but you're just another kill joy."

The REDs lost their fourth Soldier that week.

---

Hope you enjoyed it~

By the way, BLU is also a group of griefers. BLU Medic likes to play jumprope with his other members, and so forth.

I was thinking of turning this into a sitcom of sorts because there's a LOT more griefing that can be done, but we'll see.

What do you think? Want more? Tell me what you think, give me ideas, anything~


	18. Scary Stories

TENTASPY.

GASPGASPGASP.

Honestly the first thing I think of when I hear Tentaspy is Ursula from Little Mermaid. Whether or not that's where the idea came from, Tentaspy isn't at all like her. D=

I'd much like to see a sultry evil man who devours peoples souls and flesh instead of the stupid Japanese tentacle rape fetish but whatev.

I think I saw another guy somewhere on DA write a version of Tentaspy that ate people. It was freaking awesome. I loveded it muchly. If you search for Tentaspy there you might find it. There isn't that much porn there anyway so you don't have to worry about that too much.

Just avoid looking for Tentaspy on TF2chan. FFFF oh god.

anyway

READ ON!

---

BLU's Scout wasn't afraid when the group gathered around the campfire to tell ghost stories. He didn't even flinch during BLU's Engineer's story about four lonely survivors against a zombie apocalypse. Some of the others were shivering lightly through the entire thing, but Scout wasn't afraid! It was just a story, after all!

"Very good story, Laborer," BLU's Spy said nonchalantly. He gave the Texan a golfer's clap and then lit up. The people next to him slid away a bit as he took a drag and released smoke into the air.

"Ya got a better one, Spah?" Engineer asked with feigned indifference.

"Of course," Spy replied, placing the cigarette back in his mouth. "I 'eard this through the grapevine just a few days ago from a fellow Spy. It all started like any other day in the Well. The Spy's team was 'aving a wonderful time protecting their intelligence when their Scout noticed something in the water."

"Their Scout?" Scout piped up.

Spy frowned. "Not now, Scout, don't interrupt a storyteller during 'is story."

"But why their Scout? We never talk about us in these stories!"

"I never said it was you, I said it was their Scout. Now then…" Spy blew another plume and continued, "their Scout noticed something in the water. It was the enemy RED Spy. 'e was treading water in a corner of the BLU's moat, and 'e was staring forward as if 'e was in some sort of trance. Their Scout knew that those who stayed still for too long ended up dead, and their Scout wanted to make sure that it was 'e who did the 'onors."

Scout frowned. This was the stupidest scary story ever. He crossed his arms and frowned at Spy for being an idiot. The other members of the team seemed interested, however. "So what 'appen'd to thah Scout?" BLU's Demoman asked.

Spy blew a plume into the air. "'e dove into the moat and swam to shoot the Spy straight through the head." Spy even pointed to his own forehead to emphasize the point. Everyone winced lightly, and Scout snorted as Spy continued. "And that was when…"

Silence.

Everyone had leaned closely to listen to Spy, but he held his peace and instead took a drag from his cigarette.

"When what!?" BLU's Heavy shouted.

"Vat happened to zee Zcout and Zpy?" BLU's Medic ordered that an answer come from Spy. The European continued to drag the tension out as much as he could.

He released a plume of smoke from his nostrils and smirked sinisterly, letting the camp's fire accentuate the shadows on his face. "And that was when their Scout felt something wrap around 'is ankle."

There was silence, this time from the group. Scout blinked repeatedly and flailed in anger. "The hell!? Something wrapped around his ankle? The hell is that!?"

"It was slimy, like seaweed," Spy continued, ignoring Scout, "but the young man knew that the moat was mostly sewage. There would be no seaweed in the water." The group nodded. They knew this. So where was Spy going with all of this?

"So their Scout reached down to grasp at the thing, and found, unsurprisingly, that it wasn't a bit of weed that got caught on his ankle. Oh no…"

Spy stopped again, and BLU's Soldier growled. "Get on with it, Maggot! What was it?"

"Mein Gott…" Medic said lightly, mouth agape in horror, "It couldn't be…"

"Doc?" Scout asked, looking at the shivering German. Scout didn't want to admit he was feeling uneasy, but these jerks were really getting on his nerves. He flailed angrily and demanded the story be continued so he could scoff at it and continue on with life. "What? What what what!?"

"It was a tentacle, Scout…" Spy said in response, staring seriously and deeply into his teammate's wide eyes, "A long, slimy, red tentacle."

Medic shuddered at the thought, and a few others gagged. Scout didn't get it.

"A tentacle? The hell? There was like a freaking octopus in the sewer? Where the hell did it come from?"

"Their Scout was wondering the same thing," Spy replied, "where ever could a tentacle 'ave come from? But as 'e thought about it, suddenly they were everywhere. Eight slimy, ugly tentacles wrapped themselves around their Scout's wrists, ankles, arms and legs. It was only then when the child understood what was going on. A Tentaspy had caught him…"

"The hell's a Tentaspy?"

"No one knows," BLU's Sniper answered, shrugging lightly, "and no one really cares. The only thing ya do is avoid 'em like the bloody Bubonic."

Scout wouldn't be tricked by the elder men who were shuddering and crossing themselves. It certainly seemed like they thought it was real, but Scout knew better! He crossed his arms and glared at the others. "Tentaspies don't exist; you guys're just makin' shit up."

"Did the Scout even make it away…?" Demoman asked, feeling sick just asking.

"The Spy that their Scout 'ad attacked was simply smiling as the young man fought against 'is tentacles. The child screamed and flailed and eventually was forced under the water."

Scout's stomach churned at the thought. He really didn't mind water so much, but there was this one time he got into a fight underwater, and he almost didn't make it up to breathe… Pyro ended up saving him from a watery grave that time… but the thought… underwater, with slippery, evil tentacles and the horrific sight of a spy grinning… as he was pinned down…

Spy shrugged. "The Spy I 'eard this from said 'e 'eard their Scout screaming and went to check it out. He only really found the Tentaspy and Scout's drowned body." Scout shuddered and grabbed his arms for reinforcement as Spy blew a plume and continued. "And even then, the creature was able to get away by slipping into the water and abandoning the corpse…"

"T…that poor Scout…" Scout murmured. He seemingly forgot his desire to disprove the existence of the Tentaspy and instead looked up at each and every one of the group, "But that's all they do? Lay a trap and drown their victim?"

"Don't know what they do," Engineer said, "I heard from a reliable source that the mean motherhubbards just devour their prey after catchin' 'em."

Demoman shook his head. "I heard it likes defilin' its victims," he said. Medic gave a sneer of disgust as the Scotsman explained: "horrible, nasty things, lemme tell you. First, after it has you undah its control, it…"

"Mmphin Mmphphammph."

"Deviate monstrosities, the lot o' them," Engineer agreed, crossing his arms.

Sniper prodded the child sitting next to him. "So remember, Scout. Avoid 'em."

Scout was trying to keep from retching, so he opted instead to shiver a bit and nod. "You don't have to tell me twice. Gross as freakin' hell."

Spy smiled lightly at the child. "But you needn't worry," the European said, staring deep into Scout's eyes with a horrific smile, "because after all, they don't exist, isn't that what you said, Scout?"

That night, the Bostonian went to sleep having nightmares of being defiled by hundreds of huge, slimy tentacles.

---

So no Tentaspy doesn't actually APPEAR but whatev. USE YOUR IMAGINATION. What do YOU think Tentaspy did that day!? DUNDUNDUN.

On second thought, don't. At least, don't say HERE in your review that you will undoubtedly send me (god willing). Eww.


	19. Tentaspy Returns?

CONTINUATION OF SCARY STORIES STORY.

Also Caps Lock isn't cruise control for cool, children. SHIFT KEY IS.

READ ON!

---

Scout avoided the sewers the next morning. He wasn't really afraid of something that didn't exist; he just didn't want to get wet! He cursed out anyone who asked him the reason of his avoidance and instead focused on his work.

He leapt across the bridge and nearly found himself in the enemy's sniper deck when RED's Pyro appeared out of nowhere. He fired on the young man and Scout gave a cry as the bullet from the flare gun showered him with gasoline and lit up. The young man soon burst into flames.

"FIRE FIRE FIRE!!" Scout screamed. Oh god oh god he couldn't stop drop and roll the gas was all over him oh god he was burning oh god what was he going to do?

The drainage moat for the sewers was down below… Water was the only way to get rid of the flames… But he couldn't go down there! Oh god what if something that didn't exist was lurking down there? Oh god oh god oh god!! …He slipped on a loose board on the bridge's roof and fell. Well, that solved THAT problem.

The fire disappeared as Scout landed safely in the sewage. He hissed at the smell and swam immediately for the BLU sewers. He'd have to get the burns checked on and get a new change of clothes before heading back into battle. He reached the pipe and ignored the shadow that loomed behind him.

Ahh, a medikit! The young man always wondered who was tossing good kits down here like some kind of moron, but at least he could use it to patch himself up until the Doc could properly work on him.

He smiled lightly as he applied the last bandage and turned around. He jumped; BLU's Pyro was staring at him. "Holy crap, man, you scared the hell out of me! You want the kit too?"

Pyro stared at the kit that Scout was handing off, and cocked his/her head. Scout frowned, "Okay, fine then, don't give me a straight answer. God."

He turned away to toss the remainder of the kit into a corner, and he looked up at the Pyro. He whipped up his bat and it connected with Pyro's arm; the person had blocked it. "You're not Pyro! Freakin' dirty shapeshiftin' RAT!"

Something hit him in the head. At least, that's what it FELT like. His head was on fire, his brain was exploding. He dropped his bat, grabbed his head, and screamed as the Pyro advanced on the young man.

"The hell are you doing? My head! My HEAD!"

_So that's what you think of us._ Something was in his head. It was speaking to him oh god the thing was in his HEAD! Psychics weren't real, the kid knew that since he was five, but oh god it was in his mind and it was hammering it over and over and over and oh god the PAIN. _Tentaspies… They think we have tentacles for feet?_

"Get out of my HEAD!!" Scout screamed, dropping to the floor and slamming his head against the wall. Anything to get his mind off of the THING that was running through it. All of his private secrets, all of his crushes, all of his life was being seen by this… this… was it even a Spy?

The thing worked at its disguise, letting it fall away. _They were partially right…_ the creature said, or thought, or whatever. The false Pyro suit fell away and a man in a red pinstripe suit practically (or was it literally?) floated from the suit.

"Please! Please, oh god it HURTS!" There was no worse pain than this; Scout knew so. "Oh god please make it stop!"

_I can do that._ The creature said with honey-like sweetness. It peeled the gasmask away and tugged at the human mask that it wore. Scout blinked through bleary eyes that were filled with tears. _After all, now that you know our secrets, it would be best to take care of you now…_

Oh god, it was a Tentaspy. The others were wrong, the stories were all wrong! Tentaspies didn't have tentacles for legs!

They had normal, human bodies, but their head was that of a four limbed squid. The tentacles that were its mouth squirmed in delight, and Scout screamed and fought as the creature bore down on him. He slammed his cleats in the monster's crotch and punched it right across the face.

The Tentaspy didn't seem too fazed, although he could hear an unholy gurgling hiss come from the creature. It came back again and slammed into his brain. Scout felt his head become battered with a sledgehammer over and over and over and oh god! "Oh god please no stop don't touch me that's MY mind leave it Alooooouuuuuuuuggggkkkk!"

The young man couldn't even flail as the Tentaspy grasped his shoulders and held him in place. It slammed him into the wall and he screamed some more as the tentacles writhed in anticipation. _You'd do well to forget what you saw here, child. Don't worry, I can make you forget._

"D…dammit…!"

_Mmm, such a delicious mind, if not just a little dirty. Don't worry little one, the fun has only begun…_

Scout's vocal chords snapped from use and he screamed mutely as he felt the ugly, slimy tentacles curl around his hat and toss it aside. It grasped the top of his head, and Scout sobbed in horror as the thing began to suck on his head.

Wait a minute… the pain was going away…! It was all gone! Hah! It was disappearing! He thanked the creature as its eyes rolled in the back of its head. It continued to suck on the young man's head slowly.

Oh god the ecstasy. Everything was perfect, everything was clear. He felt… he felt truly whole for the first time in his life. But wait… what was his mother's name? What was his father's name? How does one walk? Who was he, anyway?

He couldn't… remember…

He couldn't… think…

He was…

---

The Tentaspy reapplied its human mask and balaclava. It took a drag from its cigarette. Ahhh, nothing was more delicious than a good smoke after a fine lunch. It slowly lifted from the floor and hovered out of the sewers, leaving the brainless corpse of the young Scout drooling on the floor.

_I'll have to find something for dinner_. It thought to itself between drags, _That child was far too empty for one day's worth…_

-End

---

If you don't get this then you OBVIOUSLY haven't played enough Dungeons and Dragons. And if you haven't played enough Dungeons and Dragons, you are not a TRUE NERD.

Eh just google "Illithid" or "Mind Flayer" in Images. You should get a pretty awesome picture of one.

Anyway Mind Flayers are like these evil bastards that have like squid heads and EAT YOUR BRAIN YUM. Those that they don't eat immediately they just mind rape and turn into their slaves. I dunno why one would be working on his own instead of hanging with his other buds but that's not the POINT.

MIND FLAYERS.

AWESOME AS HELL.

They're literally my favorite monster. If only using them wasn't COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT OOPS?

Also I'm done. Send a review if you care.


	20. War Nightmares

I can't really say anything now that won't spoil the story, so just:

READ ON!

---

BLU's Scout grumbled where he slept. The bunk above him housed a smelly Scotsman, but he had learned how to ignore the smell when sleeping. It was something else that was bothering him. Just across from him, on the other side of the sleeping quarters, BLU's Soldier was grumbling and hissing in his sleep. Scout wondered how the Texan above Soldier could keep asleep. Scout remembered hearing something from his teammates when he first joined: "Never awaken Soldier from his sleep."

But how could they not care about his annoying noises? It wasn't like it was low or soft grumbling. If anyone in his family woke another up during the night, he'd get the crap beaten out of him. Scout struggled to get up out of his cot and he shambled over to Soldier, his walk similar to the living dead.

"Wake up, Soldier…" Scout groaned lowly. The man growled in response, but Scout couldn't understand him. Was that… another language? What was he talking about, anyway? "Soldier, come on, I'm tired…"

Scout tried to keep his tone down to keep the others from waking up, but nothing was working. The Bostonian cursed under his breath, and reached out to touch Soldier's shoulder and shake it. "Soldier…"

The reaction was too fast for Scout to register just what was going on; before the young man could let out a squeak of surprise, in a split second, Soldier was up out of his cot, his thick, rough hands wrapped around Scout's neck.

The young man opened his mouth, but he couldn't breathe, much less speak. Soldier was crushing Scout's windpipe while still asleep, and the young man couldn't do anything to stop his teammate. This was… Soldier didn't realize… who Scout was…?

Scout's mouth opened and closed in horror, his jaw flapping ineffectually. He grasped at Soldier's arms, but there was no way he could overpower the man like this…! _Someone…! Someone, wake up…! Help…!_

Scout struggled with the man, and Soldier dragged him around as easily as if he were handling a doll. He worked to slam the young man to the floor, intent on crushing his lungs as well as his throat. Scout kept on his feet by grasping the cot's post and struggling to keep up. He stared into the whites of his assailant's eyes and fought to keep conscious. His head swam from lack of oxygen, and his eyes zipped from Soldier's face to the tiny end table near the cot. He thanked his lucky stars, and with his last bit of consciousness, he grasped the water pitcher on the table and brought it down on Soldier's head. There was a huge "CRASH" as porcelain hit a thick skull, and the young man was dropped to the floor.

Scout grasped his throat and coughed loudly. He curled into a ball and coughed violently. The young man would need a new pair of underwear after this…!

He heard the rustling of the others. "Wut in God's Green Earth?"

"Zcout…?"

"Ain't this the werst time fer a wakeup?"

…And the Soldier's incoherent screaming in another language. Scout looked up just in time to see the infuriated, unconscious man preparing a punch for the young man…

…A European held the one arm back with both lithe ones. "Mon Dieu! Scout, you…!"

"Ya woke the wanker up?" BLU's Sniper roared as the men immediately rushed to subdue Soldier.

"Are you bruized?" BLU's Medic worked on Scout as Soldier was finally brought down by the others. He was screaming at them in that other language, and Medic scoffed. "Polish. I should have known."

"Polish…?"

"Ja, Zoldier fought in zee war, and learned it zere." The German twitched in anger at the shouting that resulted from the others on Soldier. He whirled around to face the only one who hadn't woken up yet; "Heavy! Vee need you now!"

The Russian growled, removed himself from his cot, and slammed his fist on Soldier's head, effectively knocking the man out for good. He pointed at the sleeping man. "Stay down." He ordered. Satisfied that Soldier was listening, he wiped his hands off and returned to his cot. Everyone stared after him, and then they struggled to drag the second heaviest man to his bed.

"Bah, you're fine for now," Medic said to the young man, "Go to zleep and do not vake anyvahn elze up."

Scout frowned as he massaged his throat. Medic batted the young man's hand away so he didn't hurt himself any more than necessary. "How was I supposta know he'd go all bats in the belfry?"

"We just assumed ya'd listen when we told ya NOT ta do that."

BLU's Demoman scoffed. "When ya assume…"

BLU's Spy stretched lightly and fought a curse from rising up when his back cracked harshly. "Child, you know nothing of war, of course."

Scout raised an eyebrow. "What's that got ta do with anythin'? I haven't been ta any wars 'cept this one…"

"You think zis place iz bad enough?" Medic said lowly. He stood up and wiped his sleep slacks of the water from the floor. "Zis iz nozink compared to zee Great War. You vould do vell to remember zat, Fraulein."

Scout opened his mouth and, in a moment of thought, turned to the grumbling and hissing of the Soldier in his cot. Every night, he returned to those days…? "Heh, I guess for a moment, I was one of those 'Commie Bastards', huh?"

"This isn't a laughing matter, Child," Spy said, "Go to bed before someone decides to finish the job."

Scout smiled sheepishly and nodded. "Sorry, everyone."

They all flipped the young man off and clambered back into their cots. Scout sighed and ended up in his own bed, trying to get the entire ordeal out of his mind. Man, they were all so screwed up in the head; it scared the child to think that tomorrow he was supposed to work with the man who nearly killed him.

It took the Bostonian an hour before he finally began to drift off. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath…

…Soldier growled in his sleep, and Scout sighed. He'd really have to learn how the others managed to sleep through his dreams…

---

This was based off of a story my grandmother taught me. She attempted to wake my grandfather up during one of his PTSD nightmares. She was nearly strangled to death by her own husband in their bedroom. I really don't think I was able to convey the fear that anyone would have had during that time, but I did my best. I hope that it at least set you on edge.

I also wanted to write the part about "this war is nothing like WWII" because I know that my stories aren't even have as gritty as an actual war and I wanted to show that this isn't... REAL real war. I couldn't ever show it realistically, and it bugs me that people who are not veterans try to. No one can ever understand the horrors of war except for someone who was there. Nearly all the men in my family have been in a war, so I have lots of stories from them, but it's just not enough, you know? So I'm going to hide in my little box here and pretend I know what I'm talking about even though I don't. I hope no one minds.

Either way, I hope you liked it; reviews would be nice. Thank you.


	21. Jast a Fever'

Uhm..

READ ON?

---

RED's Scout was used to RED's Medic after months of living in the same base with him. The REDs always followed the orders of RED's Soldier, but when it came down to it, Medic truly ruled the roost during the cease fires. He would nammer on and order people around, and no one ever thought to disobey him. He enjoyed their pain far too much for the group think that he wouldn't enjoy operating on them in their sleep. Scout was beginning to find his overbearing nature to be one of the few constants in the base. Even Soldier stopped barking orders just long enough to congratulate others on a job well done, but Medic never changed.

That was why when, one day, Medic ghosted past a pile of broken beer bottles without so much as a screech, Scout felt it necessary to keep an eye on the German. Medic ordered that Heavy clean up after the mess the Russian made eating breakfast, but it wasn't with the German's usual angry tone, and not once did he let out a "Schweinhund". It just wasn't right!

Scout found this disconcerting, and decided to do a quick test on the older man. He braced himself for the beatings and hopped up behind the man. "Doc! Hey Doc, Doc! Medic Medic Medic Doc common!"

"Vat is it…?" Medic said lowly, hobbling over to a couch and flopping onto it. The German let out an exasperated sigh and held his forehead in his latex gloved hand. "Scout, az you can zee… I am not in zee mood…"

"Doc, what's up? You're sweatin'." Scout reached out to touch the German, but Medic swatted the hand away with a threatening growl.

"Schweinhund, I told you. I am not in zee mood. Come to me vhen you are hurt."

Scout wondered if "fearful of a friend's wellbeing" was hurt enough to continue. "But Doc, you…" the young man took a step back in surprise as Medic swayed where he sat and flopped on the couch. The Bostonian gasped. "Doc? Doc, you okay?"

He certainly didn't look okay. Medic was sweating all over, and his breathing was labored. His eyes were closed, and he simply lay on the couch, as docile as a house pet, breathing deeply and groaning in what Scout assumed was pain.

"Holy crap oh god Doc Medic Doc cummon pull yourself together!!" Scout flailed lightly. The crazy bastard looked fine just an hour ago! What the hell happened!? "Someone! Someone! Engie, Hardhat, get over here!" He rushed to the room's doorway, held himself on the guards, and took a deep breath. There was only one surefire way to get RED's Engineer to come to him no matter what: "NEEDADISPENSERHERE NEEDADISPENSERHERE NEEDADISPENSERHERE NEEDADISPENSERHERE!!"

Two minutes and thirty four seconds. A new record. "What in tarnation, Boy!?" Engineer shouted angrily as he entered the room, prepared to beat some sense into the Bostonian. "It's a doggone cease fire right now! Why in the hell would anyone needa… oh."

Scout immediately moved out of the way for Engineer to scratch his hardhat and inspect Medic closely. "Oh man, Hardhat, is he okay? Please tell me he's okay!"

"Look, Boy, Imman Engineer, notta doctor."

"But isn't that what a PhD IS?" Scout flailed and rushed to stand by Engineer and in front of Medic. "I mean, you're like, Doctor Engineer, right? Cummon, man!"

"Yeah, I'm guessin' ya could say that, but I'm not that kinda doctor."

"Oh god, Medic's gunna diiiiie!"

Scout stopped his whining when a latex glove slapped him in the face. The sweating Medic was still breathing in gasps, and his eyes were closed, but he still had some sense of conscious, even if the slap wasn't. The Bostonian rubbed his red cheek and blinked at the man who assaulted him. Now the face didn't look so pained as much as it was annoyed.

"'mmfine…" the elder man said in between gasps. "Just…tired."

"Ya don't look 'just tired', Doc." Engineer said. He looked up at Scout and lifted his gloved finger. "Righto, Boy. Go fetch me a bucket o' water n' Heavy. Not so hard."

"Right!" The young man stood and nodded at the German, "Just you wait, Doc, we'll have you fixed up in no time!"

"Vhy… Heavy…?" Medic managed to gasp in his sleep as Scout rushed from the room, shouting something about "Whose sandwich is this, anyway?"

Engineer found a pillow to prop the German's head up so he could rest easier for the time being. "Can't have ya sleepin' out here, can we, Doc?"

Medic grumbled and attempted to move. His hand lifted lazily up, but it flopped back down. "Schweinhund, I… vill not be… carried."

"Of course you won't," Engineer said, removing the man's glasses. Medic attempted to snatch them back, but it was in vain. He was just too fatigued to move. "Sunstroke, or just fever?"

"…Jast a… fever…"

"You shoulda been restin' Doc."

"Zere… iz no time…"

Engineer sighed. Always looking out for everyone else, but having no time for himself. Perhaps the man wasn't as much a bastard as they all thought.

…on second thought…

"Doktor!" Engineer winced when he heard the booming voice. RED's Heavy Weapons Guy stood in the doorway, staring down at the Medic. "Doktor, what is wrong?" He lurched forward to inspect his friend. "Doktor, speak to Heavy!"

Engineer reached up and stopped the Russian before he could move any closer. "Careful there, big guy. 'e's not really able to be handled roughly, got it? We gotta take him nice 'n' gently ta thah ward. Ya got that?"

Heavy looked down at the German ("I svear to gott I vill kill him if he touchez me.") and nodded. "Da, I can do that."

"Nice one, ya big lug." Engineer slapped Heavy's back with a laugh. "Now, if ya'd do the honors!"

Heavy was pretty good at being a tender guy when he really got down to it, so Engineer smiled and pat himself on the back for choosing the Russian to carry Medic to the medical ward. The Texan immediately retracted his previous thoughts when Heavy reached out with one arm and tucked the German under his arm as if he were carrying a football. Medic swung precariously in the man's huge grip, and Engineer frowned widely.

"RIGHT THEN!" Engineer led the way to the ward, with Heavy striding behind him. Medic continued to sway back and forth like some sort of strange, demented pendulum. The German was in no position to fight back, but he was secretly thinking of various ways to cleave the Russian in two. Someday. Someday he would be slaughtered for his transgressions…

The ward was completely clean, which came as no surprise, as Medic had cleaned it completely that very morning just a half hour before passing out. Engineer did his best to prepare a bed the way Medic did, and Heavy plopped the German down as "tenderly" as he could. Medic coughed violently and Engineer chuckled.

"S-sorry, Doc. I really didn't know Heavy would be so…"

"Doktor, get well soon!" Heavy interrupted Engineer. Medic frowned deeply in his sleep.

"V-vater…?" the German asked.

Engineer worked to remove Medic's boots as he replied to the man. "Scout's goin' fer it right now." He placed the boots next to the bed and stood with a stretch. "Lemme see if I kin find some aspirin while we wait."

"Ja… good…"

Heavy found a seat to sit at while Engineer moved around the ward. Medic attempted to guide the Texan, but he was getting weaker and weaker. It was hard just staying conscious.

"Heavy, don't let 'im fall asleep, now. We may not git 'im ta wake back up." Engineer then remembered what happened last time Heavy "helped", and he winced. "On second thought, just talk ta 'im, git it?"

"Da," Heavy replied. "Doktor, when will you be good again?"

"H-heavy…"

"It is soon, I hope! It is very quiet without you."

Medic attempted to find something to say in response to that. "…D-danke…"

Heavy looked worried, and stood up to inspect Medic's face closely. The man wasn't breathing a heavily, and the Russian gulped. "Doktor? Are you sleeping?" Heavy tested the man's face, "Doktor, now is not the time for sleeping! Doktor!"

"Hey guys, I'm back! How's Doc?" Scout called, rushing into the room with a bucket of water sloshing around his feet. "I got the water!" he proclaimed, as if such a feat deserved a medal.

"Ah! Good, Boy! Find some aspirin!" Engineer said, grasping the bucket from Scout's hands and shoving the boy off to do something else. "Heavy, outta the way, the doc needs some water to recuperate!"

"Doktor will be okay, da?"

Engineer was in the process of wiping down the doctor's face with a wet rag and dunking a glass into the bucket. "He's stronger'n ya think, Heavy. We just gotta hope fer thah best."

"Yeah, Doc can like saw a freakin' Pyro in half while ON FIRE by that Pyro's flamethrower, all FWOOOSH," Scout said, popping up between the two with a bottle in hand, "if that's not freakin' the most hardcore thing on the planet, I have no idea what is!"

Engineer chuckled as he nudged Medic lightly. "Doc, I need ya ta open up. C'mon, ready?"

"…Neiiin…?" came the throaty gurgle.

"Well, 'least 'e's still alive. Bottoms up, Doc!" The German gagged lightly on the water as Engineer practically dumped the entire glass down his "patient's" throat. Medic gasped and coughed and finally settled down, muttering something about pain. Well, at least he finally had something to help flush his system.

"Hey, by the way, Hardhat. I got somethin', I think it's aspirin. Shall we give him some?" Scout said, offering the unmarked bottle to Engineer. The Texan looked at it, and turned to Scout.

"You don't… Scout… ya don't give guys pills that ya don't know nothin' about. E'en if it was aspirin, we don't know the dosage. One o' these thin's kin hurt Doc if the dosage was too high. Didn't ya find anythin' that was more concrete?"

"Not really?" Scout frowned, and shrugged at the man. "I mean, all the bottles are unmarked. You think Medic did it on purpose?"

The Texan sighed. "I wouldn't doubt it. He does gotta few screws loose."

Scout looked downcast, and he slumped forward. "So then we wait?"

Engineer looked downcast. "Yeah…" he said lightly, turning to the passed out Medic, "…yeah, we wait…"

---

A few hours had passed, and Scout eventually got bored (in three seconds, no less). He asked Engineer to watch out for the German and ran off somewhere. Heavy grew restless and hungry after a while, and soon the Russian left to prepare "sandviches" for both he and the Texan. Engineer was left to care for the medical practitioner.

"It really ain't fair, ya know," he told the sleeping Medic, "I should be makin' additions on mah sentrehs, not carin' fer you."

Medic continued to sleep. The only noise in the entire ward was the soft ticking of the clock just above Medic's work desk.

"Git better soon, Medic. We need ya more than ya know."

"Dummkopf, I know zat."

Engineer sighed and glared at the sleeping (but still talking) Medic. "Ya know, ya could at least pretend ta be sleepin' when I'm bein' all mushy."

Medic smiled through his closed eyes. "Vere vould zee fun in zat be?" The German shifted, and Engineer tensed when he hissed. "Zere iz ztill pain… I need zomezink."

"Scout looked fer some aspirin, but all yer bottles're unmarked. Any particular reason fer that, Doc?"

"Zo you dummkopfs don't zteal zem." His smile widened as he opened his eyes and scanned the room. "You don't vant to take pillz you don't know about, ja? For all you know, zey could be cyanide. Only I know vere each bottle iz located."

Engineer blinked, and looked at the bottle that Scout had obtained beforehand. "Well, yeah… but Scout just tore the place apart lookin' fer aspirin. Ya sure ya kin find 'em now?"

Medic glared at one of the bottles as if it could make the Bostonian's head explode right there. "Bah, I know vat aspirin lookz like. It vas…" he lifted his hand and pointed, "…somevere over zere."

Engineer sighed and stood. He crossed the ward and began rifling through the bottles. "Ya gotta find a better way ta label these thin's, Doc."

"I don't need to know vat zey zay on zee outzide. I know vat zey look like on zee inzide." Medic insisted. He waited as Engineer checked the insides of the bottles, and finally the German spoke up. "Doez zat vhan have blue viting stamped on zem?"

"Huh? These ones?" The Texan stared at them and nodded. "Yeah. These the ones?"

"Brink zem over. Danke, my hard hatted friend." Engineer brought the bottle over and fished out one of the pills. "Zwei".

Engineer looked up at Medic with a blink. "What?"

"Two, I need two of zem, dummkopf."

"I don't understand yer fancy German talkin'," Engineer said, "I mean, yer from Europe, like Spah, right? I don't trust any Spah language 's far 's I kin throw it."

Medic smiled as Engineer prepared the two pills and another glass of water. "You can't zpeak any language azide from 'Schwein', ja?"

"'Kin speak thah language o' scientists; anythin' mathematical, I know, so don't git all high 'n' mighty."

Medic smiled and was about to open his mouth to speak when two pills flew expertly into his mouth. He coughed on them as his gagging reflex kicked in, and he reached for the glass of water. "Schweinhund!!" he choked, sucking down the water as fast as he was able.

"Yer mah patient now, Doc. No one else in this gawd fersaken hole'll do it, so ya should probably treat me a little nicer."

Medic finished his water and glared at the man. "Zis iz blackmail, schweinhund."

"Ss'been a while since I could admit ta summin like this, so just kick back fer once and let a man take care o' you."

Medic glared at Engineer in anger. This was by far the worst day of the year. Not in his life, of course; there were plenty worse days than this. But this might reach his top ten; after all, the day wasn't even over. "Fine zen, I vill rest for now. But vhen I am vell, you vill donate your organz to me."

"'n' what if I refuse?"

"I never said you could refuze, dummkopf."

The Texan wondered if Medic grasped the nuances of what "donate" meant in the English language. "Look, yer hungry, right? Lemme make some soup 'r summin."

"I zuppoze. I can get it myzelf, you know."

Engineer chuckled as he moved to the doorway and opened it. He turned to the Medic and pointed at him gruffly; "Not today yer not. Just sit tight, a'ight? Imma git ya yer soup and ya'll just sit pretty there, mm'kay?"

"Zomeday I vill remove your head from itz shoulderz." Nevertheless, the German settled down and made himself comfortable in the bed.

Engineer smiled and left the room. He said that to everyone he knew, and by now the Texan had seen it as a phrase of endearment. Medic was already asleep again by the time the door to the medical ward was closed.

Medic had just about gotten comfortable in the bed when a feeling of dread attacked him. He attempted to sneak from the bed, but it was too late. The door was slammed open and RED's Demoman came barreling in. "Medic!" The Scotsman shouted. "Medic, git off yer rear an' fix my 'and!"

"Medic! Where are you?" Medic shifted lower under the sheets and shuddered lightly when Soldier entered the ward. His shoulder was off kilter; it was probably pulled out of its socket. Medic would have been surprised that he showed no pain, but really, it was Soldier. It really wasn't that shocking, honestly. "Maggot, I need this shoulder realigned! Hop to it!"

"Back off, boyo! I needed his help first!"

"You seared your hand because of your own idiocy, maggot! This arm…" He shuddered suddenly from the pain, and shook it off, "was from a scuffle with a BLU! Medic, fix it, NOW."

"Medic, I cannae make bombs wit' a screwed up 'and!"

"Medic!"

"Mediiiiiic!"

Medic counted backwards from ten and looked up at the two. "I… I cannot do anyzink vit you shoutink all of zee time…"

"Wut's goin' on in here?" Medic thanked his lucky stars that Engineer was returning. It was the first time in his knowledge that he ever wanted the Texan in the ward. The man looked around and blinked at the two arguing men. "Ya'll soundin' like a buncha children."

"My arm's dislocated and this maggot is refusing to realign it!" Soldier insisted.

"This hand'll nevah get bettah witout Medic!"

Engineer rolled his eyes in exasperation, and practically tossed the tray of soup at Medic. The German cried out, afraid that the hot liquid would splash on him. "Eat up, Doc, we need ya bettah ASAP."

"I need him better NOW, MAAAARRRRRRGFFFFFFFUUUHHHH!" Soldier cursed violently when Engineer grabbed Soldier's shoulder in one hand and his arm in the other. With a swift movement, he snapped the arm upwards and shoved it back into its socket.

"There, now quit yer whinin'." Engineer said, wiping his hands off. The three men stared at him in horrified surprise, and the Texan shrugged. "Mah granpa always dislocated 'is shouldah when I was a kid. Not so hard ifn ya know what ta do."

Medic blinked, and decided not to dwell on it. He looked down at his soup and began to eat it. "Ja, zat hand needs cold vater." The German's eyes landed on the bucket that held his drinking water. "Could you, mein nurse?"

"Ya'll better not be gettin' any ideas." Engineer warned. Nevertheless, the Texan worked on Demoman's hand, and after a good soaking, it was wrapped in a cold, wet bandage. "There! Ain't such a bad job, I reckon!"

"It still hurts." Demoman said with a glare, reminding Engineer that no one could replace their medic. Nevertheless, he left the ward with a glower at the two. Engineer rubbed his head through his hard hat and turned to Medic.

"So, how's the soup?"

"It iz zalty." Medic replied.

Engineer smiled brightly at the frown Medic wore. "Ya need yer salt. Help yer body heal itself."

"You Americanz put too much zalt in everyzink." Medic insisted.

"Ya'll don't put enough salt in anythin'. Now quit yer whinin' and eat the darned thing."

"I am, schweinhund."

Engineer sighed and slunk into the seat next to Medic's bed. It really was almost not worth it. He should just let the bastard get himself killed off from sickness. The German suddenly became very self conscious of the Texan, who was just sitting in the chair right next to him. He usually either ate solo or in the mess hall, not with an American he didn't quite trust staring at him.

"Wut's up, Doc?"

"Jast…" Medic opened his mouth, but thought against it and returned to his soup. "Nozink."

Engineer shook his head and sighed. Some people. Just… some people.

---

It took a long while, but Medic finally ate the rest of his soup, and afterwards he glared at Engineer until he passed out on the bed. The Texan sighed in exasperation and happiness. Finally, he could go get some work done. He really hoped that Medic would be back to normal come tomorrow. He was just overworked, and would probably be back to normal once he slept the day away.

The engineer nearly hit the roof in surprise when he closed the door behind him. "Hey Hard Hat!" Scout shouted from behind. Engineer whirled around and shoved a finger onto his lips.

"Tarnation, Boy, he needs his sleep! Doggone it!"

Scout frowned. He didn't think he ever remembered a time when Medic was asleep. It unnerved the young man to know that Medic was really sick. Who was supposed to heal the doctor when the doctor got sick, anyway? "Yeah, sorry, Hard Hat. How's the doc doin'?"

"He'll be fine, I reckon. Just give 'em a while ta rest, a'ight?"

Scout looked at Engineer and nodded. "Right!"

And that's when he truly knew it; Engineer had a family back at his home, so it was obvious how easily he took the duties over when Medic could not. Scout was really glad; they were fortunate that he was around so Medic could have a little down time.

Now Scout would just have to learn how to find the aspirin in case the both of them caught a fever. The Bostonian was going to be totally ready for it.

---

The ending is pending. I dunno if I should add to it. What do you guys think?

And it's really funny how many times this could have turned into hurt/comfort/rape/whatever porn in the hands of someone who cared about something like that. I'm glad I haven't seen something like that yet, otherwise writing this would leave a bad taste in my mouth. I've already read a horrible story about a "Secretary", and now I'm too afraid to write one into my TF2verse. We'll see though.


	22. Disneyland

I don't know. I'm alive, and in a dorm now. College started again, so I dunno if I'll have the time to write but we'll see. Maybe it'll make me want to write more iunno.

This was going to be longer but I got stuck. So we'll see if I continue it later. Anyway:

READ ON!

---

It was the best time of the year for the REDs. It was break time.

"HELL YES!" RED's Scout shouted as he tore through the base, packing up for the trip off of the front lines, "Alright guys, hands up! Where are we going this time?"

"We're in California, right?" RED's Sniper asked as Scout zipped by him, "We got two weeks to do whatevah we want, and this is the best place to do whatevah we want."

"There'z zo much in California, I can hardly imagine vere to go firzt," RED's Medic said, looking deep in thought.

"Is big trees in California, I hear!" RED's Heavy Weapons Guy offered brightly, "Let us go see Redwoods!"

Scout frowned at Heavy in passing as he picked up a duffel bag and started rushing it out to the truck that the group would be pooling in. "Naw, man, there's gotta be somethin' less borin' than starin' at trees all day!"

"Let's all see the ocean, boyos!" RED's Demoman suggested, "We'll play in the sand and in the water!"

"I hate salty air," RED's Engineer called from outside, shooting the idea down flat, "It ruins my machines. Let's avoid it for a few days, at least."

"I know I know I know!" Scout shouted as he rushed back into the base. Everyone turned to the young man as he lifted his finger into the air. "We should go to Disneyland!"

There was silence.

"Disneyland?" the men inquired in unison.

"Yeah man! I've been livin' in Boston and all I've been hearin' is Disney Disney Disney! We're here in California and I can finally go to Disneyland! Oh man, it's like a dream come true!" Scout shuddered with anticipation. He could wear a silly hat and pretend he was six again with all his brothers…

"Is good idea! Let us have fun at amusement park!" Heavy agreed.

"Naw, Mate, it's much too commercialized," Sniper said, "Rather not head out there. It'd be so tacky."

"Why are you against it?" RED's Spy said, appearing out of nowhere, just like normal. Sniper fought his reflex of strangling the man as he sauntered into the room. "I say that Disneyland is a fine place to go."

Scout smiled at the European, and gestured at him with a smile at the group. "See? Spy agrees with me!"

"That maggot always agrees with you as long as he can get you out of his hair," RED's Soldier grumbled, returning to the base covered in oil. The truck just needed a little tuning up, and he and Engineer had been doing so as the others were packing. "Hadn't you noticed that by now?"

Scout crossed his arms and grumbled as Medic handed Soldier a handkerchief to wipe his face off. Soldier also wiped off his sweaty hands as well as his chest. "Come on, you guys! Just for a day?" The Bostonian pleaded.

Medic looked at the kerchief that Soldier returned, and the German tossed the ruined thing into RED's Pyro's hands with an air of disgust. "I, for vahnce, agree vit zee fraulein."

Everyone had a near heart attack.

"Medic? Agreeing with going to a happy place filled with colors other than blood?" Soldier gasped.

"Crikey, how does a doctor operate on himself, I wonder?" Sniper muttered.

"Filthy Schweinhunds, zere are reazonz I go to placez."

"But there are very few places you go to that are so… vibrant?" Spy said.

"Festive?" Engineer added from outside.

"Happy!" Heavy proclaimed, remembering why he wanted to go.

"I don't vant to go becauze it is 'happy'," Medic hissed, "I am goink becauze I admire Herr Disney. I was able to zee hiz first movie, zee vahn vit zee Princess Snow White?"

"That was the only one you saw?" Scout interjected, appalled that poor Medic hadn't seen any other Disney films.

"Silence, Hödeken. Eizer vay, zere vere few zings zat made my zister smile. Zat movie vas vahn of zem." He adjusted his gloves as he continued, "Zomezink zat bringz happiness to a Germany vere zere is no light or life iz a feat zat I respect in Herr Valt."

There was silence for a while, and Scout smiled. "So you like him because your lil' sis likes him? Why didn't you tell us you had a sister?"

Medic scowled at the young man angrily. "I didn't zay becauze I don't _have _a zister," and with that, the German stalked from the room.

Scout didn't understand Medic at all, and called after him with his question, "But Doc, how come you said you had a sister when…?"

The Bostonian was interrupted when Sniper grasped the young man's hat and shoved it down in front of his face. "Quiet down, Mate. There are things that some people just don't care ta remember…"

Scout grumbled as he grasped his hat and looked up at the Australian, opening his mouth to ask what he meant. It then hit him, and he quieted down. "Jeez, I didn't mean to make him mad…"

"No one does," Spy said, "It just happens, si?"

"Mmph… mphphmmm phphphmmph," Pyro said.

"Pyro's right," Engineer said as he followed Soldier in ("The truck's ready, by the way"). He wiped his own hands off from a handkerchief he owned and he tucked his kerchief into his overalls' breast pocket. "We best think of a place ta go. Personally, Disneyland couldn't hurt for a day or two."

"We see Redwoods after Disneyland?" Heavy asked, ever hopeful.

"We'll see, Lad, we'll see," Demoman said, patting the Russian on his overtly huge shoulder. Heavy smiled; that would do for now.

"Alright, we're all going to Disneyland!" Scout proclaimed.

"Ahhh, Soldier, while you are driving there…" Spy said, catching their leader before he packed up, "Would you be so kind as to drop me off at the Mission Inn?"

"What?" Soldier asked. He stopped for a moment, dragged a map out of nowhere, and began scouring it. "But that's in a whole different county!" he said after he found where Spy was meaning to go.

"I know, but Riverside is so much larger than Anaheim. I think I will be staying somewhere else."

"What's gotten into you, Spy?" Scout asked, "Why can't you spend some time with us?"

"I am always spending time with you here on the base. This time I would like to spend time on my own. That is acceptable, no?"

Sniper frowned in disgust at the European. "More like 'I'm always spending time with men', innit that right, ya bloody wanker?"

"Like you wouldn't go fishing yourself if you weren't an introverted child under your coarse exterior, isn't that true? I bet you haven't even lain with a woman yet." Spy lit up a cigarette and his eyes flashed dangerously behind his wicked smile. "That is, if women are even what you're interested in…"

Pyro had to hold Sniper back from an all out assault on Spy. "Want a fat, bloody lip to go with that pus filled sack of…!"

"Spy, could you stop being an asshole for just once in your life?" Scout asked. The European took a long drag from his cigarette and shrugged with a horrendously devious smile.

"I'll think about it."

ADDITION TO STORY WOO?

As we all know, back in 1958, "Gay" did not mean "homosexual", but rather "gaudy" "frivolous", and "joyful". Its synonyms were "happy", "bright", "joyful", and other such words. However, there were other sorts of words that were also associated with the word "Gay" that are much more funny than the actual word itself.

For instance, a "Gay Cat" referred to a tramp that works very little but usually for large amounts of money. Please remember that "Tramp" back then was not necessarily a prostitute or a loose person, but rather a person who didn't always follow the laws, kinda like a man living on the streets and scraping a living through usually illegal ways. See "Lady and the Tramp". "Gay Cat" also referred to "A Spy or Scout for the yeggs". TF2 fans, you are now allowed to giggle uncontrollably into your keyboard, desk, or soda.

PS: Yegg, probably coming from the German word "Jager", meant a burglar, probably more often referring to a safe cracker.

Next, a "Gay Dog" is anyone who lives life happily and to the fullest. Not exactly hedonistic, but more like just happily. Try telling your friends they're a gay dog. Either your English major friends may laugh or you'll probably get clobbered.

Last, "Gay Science". Take a moment to think about what that is.

…

…

It means "Poetry". Funnily enough, it kinda fits in this day and age.

PPS: "Gay" could also be used as a brightly colored children's toy, so a colorful top or a pretty flower could be described as gay. Also, you could even turn people "Gay" back then too. Causing someone to become happy through helping them or giving them a smile would "Turn them gay". Funny how much the language does and does not change over time.

Remember, this was all taken in my family's super old Webster's Dictionary, published in 1958. Hopefully this will make you writers think twice about what you write in your TF2 stories and it'll encourage you to go out and learn more yourself! See you all again!


	23. The Hobbit

Sorry for not updating Yin and Yang. WORK YAY? So yeah I haven't been writing it. Apologies.

I finished this recently though, I hope you like it.

READ ON!

---

"Why do I have to go with you two?" RED's Scout groaned. He was finally out in civilization for the first time in a half a year and he was stuck holding groceries with RED's Sniper and Engineer! It just wasn't fair! "Can't I go take a jog through the park?"

"Scout, ya know we shouldn't be splittin' up," Engineer replied as he passed by a shop and stared through the window for a moment. The three stopped for a moment, the Texan shrugged, and the three continued down Main Street. "What're ya gunna do if yer on yer own, anyhoo?"

"Not be with you. That's reason enough."

Sniper sighed and turned to the Bostonian. "Look, Mate, sometimes ya gotta know when ta just lie low and do yer thing with the rest 'o us. Not like we want to go shoppin' fer tucker, either."

Scout grumbled under his breath, but trudged after them regardless. He watched as they inspected yet another store, and he looked away in a huff. There were plenty of people walking down the street, but only one, a young woman, was actually reading as she did so. Scout blinked; people actually read nowadays?

The young man had forgotten actual manners out of the base, so the moment the young woman walked by him, he grabbed her wrist and turned to stare at the title of the book. What was so enthralling about a bunch of words anyway?

"…What are you doing…?" Scout suddenly remembered what he was doing, and he looked up at the woman. She was looking quite indignant, and the young man coughed and released her quickly.

"Er, sorry, toots, I just, you know."

"No, I don't. Where did you grow up to have such horrible manners?"

Scout rolled his eyes. "Boston, can you believe it?"

The woman looked increasingly suspicious of the young man. "You don't sound it. New English, yes, but Bostonian?"

Scout laughed. "Man, you really know your accents! Yeah, I gotta have this accent 'r else everyone'll make fun of me. It's as if Boston's a horrible place to live!"

"I know what you mean," the young woman said, suddenly smiling, "I'm from Massachusetts as well, rather close to Boston, in fact."

"Get out of here!" Scout proclaimed. Suddenly the bags he was carrying weren't as heavy and the mission he had wasn't so important.

"I moved when I was six, so the accent isn't very prevalent, but…"

"Man, it's been freakin' forever since I saw someone else from Massachusetts! Hell yes! How d'you like it here in California?"

"It's alright," the woman said with a shrug, "It's all I really know, or at least remember." The two found themselves sneaking away from the sidewalk and towards a bench to sit on near a general store.

"So what's your name, toots? Oh wait, lemme guess. There were a lotta girls named Laura when I was growin' up."

The young woman shrugged. "It's Darel," she replied. Scout stared, and Darel looked rather put off. "Wh… is something wrong?"

"What the hell? Your name is Daryl? You really a dude?"

"Dar-EL. You put the emphasis on the last syllable."

Scout frowned. "Hell no, your name is Daryl. That's a freaking dude's name. What the hell is that?"

Darel looked away with a sigh. "Mom said that Darel could be either way. She said that the baby naming book said so."

"The baby naming book was freakin' WRONG."

"I've known that since I was five, okay?" Darel said indignantly. Scout opened his mouth, and when he looked at her again, realized that saying something wouldn't diffuse the situation. "What about you, anyway?" Darel asked, as if his name was any worse than hers, "What's your name, huh?"

"Oh, it's Ni-…" Scout cut himself off, and coughed into his hand. "Uhh… you can call me 'Scout'."

There was silence. Darel stared at the young man. "Scout," she said with a cluck of her tongue. Scout nodded slowly, and she suddenly smiled and began to giggle. "That's your nickname? S…scout?"

"What's so funny?"

"Oh, nothing," Darel shrugged lightly as she continued, "it's just that in 'To Kill a Mockingbird', the main character's nickname was 'Scout'."

Scout didn't get it. "…So?"

Darel gave Scout a half banked stare, "You haven't read 'To Kill a Mockingbird', have you?" Scout shrugged and she smiled. "The main character was a girl."

"Sooo…-?" Scout began to ask. It hit him about two seconds into his drawl, and he frowned, blushing brightly from embarrassment, "Man, guess it isn't the manliest nickname, huh?"

"I think it's funny," Darel said, "You're a man with a female nickname, and I'm a woman with a masculine name."

"Scout's a dude's name too, at least."

"Darel's a girl's name. Baby book said so."

Scout crossed his arms indignantly. He didn't even remember putting the groceries on the floor at his feet. "'To Kill a Mockingbird', huh? Was it some sorta movie?"

Darel wondered if he actually listened to her when she asked if he 'read' it. She sighed lightly. "…It's a book…"

"Oh. Right. Like the one you're reading." The Bostonian inspected the book again. "'The Hobbit'? Never heard of it."

"I'm rereading it," Darel said, "Have you read anything of J.R.R. Tolkein's?"

Scout shrugged with a leery smile. "Babe, I don't read anythin'."

Darel wondered if that was something to be proud of where Scout grew up. "I never would have guessed…"

"Scout! There you are!" The Bostonian gave a small choked sound as two men approached the two. "What're you doin', botherin' the nice sheila?"

"Oh, Scout's not a bother," Darel insisted, "He's actually quite charming."

Sniper gave a snerk, but caught himself before he laughed aloud. "Charmin', eh?"

Scout growled and pointed at Sniper angrily. "You keep that up and I'll rearrange your face, assssssss for you…!" He turned and pointed at Darel, "you wouldn't mind a drink, would you?"

Darel stared at him with a look that said she knew exactly what he meant to say. She looked at her book, and shrugged. "I… I wasn't going to do anything today, so…"

"Perfect!" Scout picked up the groceries and shoved them into Engineer's arms. "See you two in a bit. Come on, Darel, let's go!"

The young woman laughed lightly and closed her book. "I know an ice cream store that sells some nice malts. Do you want to try one?"

Sniper opened his mouth but Engineer elbowed him harshly. The Australian cursed under his breath as the teenagers walked off. "Piece of… Ffff…"

"Let the kids have some fun," Engineer said, "We'll finish soon anyway."

"Did ya hear that? Was that sheila's name Daryl?" Sniper asked. Engineer shrugged.

---

"So who were they?" Darel asked as the two sat together to share their malt. Scout couldn't afford two, and he absolutely refused to let her pay for her own. The woman wondered if there was an alternate reason for that.

"The others? They're my coworkers. We all kinda work at… Uhm…" Scout took a moment to think, and he shrugged. "The Badlands. Out there to the east a bit."

"Oh, wow, that's a long way out. Is there a reason you come here?"

"Engineer says this is the best place for gasoline." Darel looked at Scout, and he choked on his malt. "Engieeee… is the guy with the bags. That's his nickname. We kinda just call each other by… what we do."

"And you Scout? Survey the land for something? What for?"

Scout tried to remember what he was supposed to say. "You know, oil, new housing, stuff like that."

"Oh." The two sat in silence for a while. Darel was humming to herself as she sucked on her straw, and Scout stared at her. Her voice wasn't really extremely beautiful when she talked, but her humming wasn't all that bad.

As he thought about it, before he knew it, the malt was finished. Scout looked at the dead drink and blinked. "Well, that's that."

Darel cocked her head lightly. "That's what?"

"I asked you for a drink, and we're done. I guess that…"

"You're done now?" Darel interrupted. She opened her mouth, and looked down. "Oh, I see…"

Scout saw that the woman looked sad. Maybe this woman was stood up like this a lot? "Well, I mean, I…"

"You're fast, you know?"

Scout blinked.

"I mean, you're always running around. Just gotta be done and off to the next thing, I bet." Darel laughed and tried to hide her smile. Scout smiled when she laughed; she sounded really nice. "I mean, you really gotta slow down."

Scout frowned. Slow down? How did one do that, anyway? "Huh?"

"You know… Slow down, you're movin' too fast?" Darel said. Her voice rose very lightly, and it took Scout a moment to realize she was singing. "Ya gotta make the mornin' last just…"

Scout blinked. The song was on the tip of his tongue. "Just…?"

"Kickin' down the cobblestones?"

"Oh yeah, Feelin' Groovy."

"Yeah!" Darel smiled brightly. Scout nodded as she continued the song. Simon and Garfunkel wasn't necessarily his favorite, but he knew about them. And when Darel sang that song, it was like there was something special. Oh yeah, it was on key. Singing around a campfire with a bunch of tone deaf men made Scout realize just how important it was to actually have some sort of harmonic tone.

Darel reminded him just how beautiful music could be. He decided to take her advice and slow down for a moment. He listened to her as she sang, absolutely mesmerized not by her looks, but by her voice.

---

Sniper grumbled at the bags in his hand, and Engineer smiled good naturedly at the man. They were finished with their shopping, but damn if they couldn't find Scout and that Daryl person. It took only following a song to get to them.

"Oh now you citizens of Boston, don't you think it's a scandal how the people have to pay and pay?" Darel sang as Scout tapped his foot, "Fight the tax increase!"

Scout and Darel both shouted aloud. "Vote for Walter A. O'Brian!"

"And get Charlie off the MTA!"

Engineer and Sniper entered the ice cream parlor and stared at the two as they sang a Bostonian original. "'Cause did he ever return?"

"No! He never returned!"

"And his fate is still unlearned! (Oh, Poor Charlie!) He may ride forever 'neath the streets o' Boston, he's the man who never returned!"

The two teenagers cheered at the end of the song, and the elder men stared dumbly onward. What in the world were they doing? When the two children stopped laughing, they suddenly realized they were being watched and looked up at their visitors. Darel's eyes widened and her face exploded in embarrassed red when she saw their dumbfounded expressions; she covered her face with her hands. "Oh… oh my…"

"Don't worry, Darel. Freakin' these guys're all jealous of your voice." Darel peered through her fingers at the young man, and he smiled at her. "Well, I gotta go. I'll be back though, promise!"

"Should we meet somewhere?" she asked, her voice muffled from the hands in her face.

Scout scratched his sideburn in thought. "Uhm… Main and 13th. I'll be there next week at noon, I promise!"

Darel poked her head out and nodded, smiling brightly. "Alright, I'll be there."

The young man waved as the three left the shop, and Darel waved them goodbye. The blush that was still prominent on her cheeks wasn't just from embarrassment anymore…

---

"I don't even get this. What does 'dappled' mean anyway?" Scout asked at the dinner table.

"Vat are you readink?" BLU's Medic asked, thoroughly surprised that the child WAS reading.

Scout frowned at the words in the book he was reading. "It's this The Hobbit crap. Darel gave it to me."

BLU's Heavy was perplexed. "If is crap, why read it?"

"Because SHE does! How'm I supposta talk ta her if I dunno what's in the books she reads?"

"Why even bother? Her name's Daryl. Any family who names their sheilas a boy's name ain't one ya aughta be after."

Scout flailed at the others. "I told you assholes, it's Dar-EL. It's a girl's name; it said so in the freaking baby book. LOOK IT UP."

Engineer sighed. The kid had it bad. "So, yer comin' with us ta go shoppin', then?"

Scout didn't even look up from the book. "I promised I'd talk ta her tomorrow, so I'm goin'. Gotta problem with that?"

The Texan shrugged and sipped his coffee. That'd give him less work overall…

"So what's this Gandalf guy's problem anyway? He's got all these like super god powers, how come he doesn't just blow these trolls up? Woulda solved the problem RIGHT THERE."

Engineer sighed and rubbed his temples. Perhaps it just wasn't worth it…

Suddenly the sirens blared and everyone looked up. A sneak attack from the BLUs? The group leapt up from their table and rushed to collect their equipment. Scout smiled to himself as he tucked the book away in a corner, hidden under his hat. After this, he would be able to go meet with Darel again, and they could talk about that book all they wanted…

He pulled out his bat and rushed headlong into battle.

---

Darel did her best to adjust her skirt lightly. She had been waiting at the street post since eleven, but she would tell Scout that she had only been waiting for a bit. Truth be told, she just couldn't wait to see him again. She wanted to be able to talk to him and ask him how Boston was. It had been so long since she lived there, but it was still her home. She wondered if he felt the same way…

Suddenly she saw two of Scout's coworkers. They were the same ones she met before. She waved at them and smiled at the one whose nickname she knew. "Hello, 'Engineer'," she said, winking at them. The two looked at each other, and then turned back to her as she spoke up again, "Scout told me about how you give each other nicknames based on what you do. But I don't know your nickname. What do you do?"

Sniper didn't so much as twitch. "We're both engineers, Sheila."

"Oh, that's nice," she said. They all stood there for a moment, and the three shared a rather uneasy silence. She rocked back and forth on her feet, and after humming a tune she got stuck in her head, she finally she looked up at them. "Soooo… where's Scout?"

The men looked at her, and coughed. "Uhm… well…"

"He couldn't make it."

Darel's smile barely faltered. "Oh. Oh, I see. Any reason why?" _Please don't let it be because of me please don't let it be because of me…_

"Uhm…" The two looked at each other, and Sniper nudged Engineer. The Texan knew how to talk to girls better anyway. Engineer sighed and shuffled around in his backpack. "He wanted ta return this to ya…"

_Oh no it was because of me why why was it because of me I'm not beautiful that's it, right, why did it…_ "Oh… thank you…" Darel looked at the book that the Texan offered her, and she took it with trembling fingers. "I was hoping he'd enjoy it…" she said softly, speaking to no one in particular.

"He did. He wanted ta talk ta ya about one o' the characters he liked." Engineer said quickly.

"Really?" Darel looked up with bright, shining eyes at the prospect. "Which one? I really like Balin. He's one of my favorites, and Bilbo is real nice too, but Gandalf is my absolute…"

"Look, Sheila." Sniper held up his hands to interrupt the young woman. "It was nice ta talk ta ya, but we really gotta go."

Engineer gave the Australian a look, but Darel nodded. "Oh yeah, I'm sorry. You must be busy." She rocked back and forth on her heels, and looked back up. "Should I come next week?"

Sniper shook his head. "Don't count on it." Darel hugged her book tightly as the Australian turned and sauntered off.

The Texan didn't move though. He had a feeling the young woman wanted to say one last thing. "W…what happened to him, Engineer…?" she asked when she finally regained control of her tongue.

"He… fell. It wasn't a pretty sight. I don't think you'd wanna hear anythin' else."

Darel bent over so she could cry without harming her precious book. "I… I guess not…"

The Texan placed a red cap on her head, and she blinked. She looked up and Engineer shrugged. "We figgured you'd like it. 'm sure he wouldn't mind."

Darel touched the brim of the hat that the Scout hid the book under. Her "thank you" was so soft that Engineer could hardly hear it. He waved at her and went to follow Sniper. She watched them until they disappeared into the crowd, and then, when she was sure that Scout wouldn't come bounding out of the crowds for some early April Fool's joke, she inched home, her tears falling all the way.

---

Friend: Forget spy  
Friend: Spy's a scrub  
Friend: SCOUT is the suavest dude  
Charlett: Hahahaha  
Charlett: Spy would be removing her top by now, in public and broad daylight, and no one would care  
Charlett: THAT'S how suave he is  
Friend: Man they would have done the deed 10 times by now  
Charlett: they would be having sex ON THE SIDEWALK and it would be ART.  
Friend: ART  
Friend: "Oh god! What a horrific public d-- oh, wow, Spy~~"

... ... You know it to be true.

Also don't worry, the story ended on a low note here, but Darel eventually met a different engineer, settled down, and had three kids. The middle child ended up becoming a writer who may or may not actually be me.

They really all did end up living happily ever after. Except for the Scout, but I assume we can take solace in the fact that he probably died too quickly to hate himself before death.

Everyone wins!

Or not? Either way, I hope you enjoyed it.

Oh yeah, the song they sang is a Bostonian original. I'm the only one I know who really knows about it. Aside from Wikipedia. Look up "MTA song" or "The Man Who Never Returned". Voila!


	24. Goodbye Drabble

ALRIGHT GUYS HERE'S THE SCOOP.

I've been writing TF2 for an entire year HOLY CRAP.

Anyway like last year, on November, I worked on a novel instead of writing TF2. Problem is that last year I had a whole bunch of stories to upload. This time I have no stories to upload. So there is NO TEE EFF TWO AT ALL for this month. Or any month; I'm trying to really finish this novel and at least attempt to publish it.

So here is my goodbye stuff for now. The first one is a Drabble (a REAL drabble, look it up on Wiki), and therefore is 100 words long. I dunno I actually wanted it to be longer but never got around to it.

The other one is a truu storii with a fellow player and I.

---

"What in tarnation were you darn fools doin'?" BLU's Engineer growled. BLU's Scout and Spy stood in front of the Texan, looking rather sheepish in their rags. They were cut up, bruised, and bleeding by each others' hands. Scout glared at Spy, and then looked back at their engineer, whose arms were crossed; he was not in the mood for stupidity.

Before Scout could say anything about Spy's unwanted mentions of Scout's mother, Spy suddenly took a large puff from his cigarette, adjusted his tie, and smirked devilishly (handsome, of course). "Male bonding."

Scout kicked the European in the shin.

------

Charlett took the tiny bit of time on defense to take a breath. There were few Heavies she trusted with her safety when she was a Medic, and Virgin Bride was one of them. He stood at the ready as the two waited in ambush for any would be attackers to attempt to steal the point. They would make sure that didn't happen.

The little Medic suddenly was hit with an idea. They weren't really busy, and she really wondered. "Hey, Virgin?"

"Sup?" he asked, turning slightly towards her, just to show that he actually was listening; his eyes were still on the point.

"Why are you 'Virgin Bride'? I mean, anyone with that idea is pretty freaking awesome, but still."

Virgin Bride shrugged. "I wanted to name myself after a mythical creature. You know, like a unicorn or griffon?"

Charlett blinked. "I guess…?"

"But everyone names themselves those things, so I decided on this."

Charlett nodded slowly. "Ohhhkay… and so you gave up on naming yourself after a mythical creature?"

Virgin Bride turned and smirked at the medic, and after a moment the woman's eyes suddenly widened in realization. She then double face-palmed. Hard.

Virgin Bride chuckled as he turned back to watching the point.

---

I told Virgin Bride I was going to be a mythical creature come my wedding. I have a feeling he was facepalming back. Regardless, ENDING.

If you do like my stuff and don't care if it's TF2 or not (HAH LOL YA RITE) then I will be updating an old story I wrote a few years back for another fandom whose fans scare me but the games themselves are FFFFFFFFF YES. Best part is that the characters are very similar to TF2 chars in that there is a paragraph bio, no personality, and plenty of molding involved. So you really don't need to play the games to read the story. Which means READ IT.

So yes, I'm working on my actual book. People keep saying my stories are great, and if they really are, then my original ones should be worth money, right? Right. So therefore no more fun until the story is at least in its rough draft stages. AWWWYEAHHH.

See you around the bend~

Much Love:  
-Charlett


End file.
